


Insights

by Lutefiskfisk



Category: Orange is the New Black
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Bullying, Childbirth, Declarations Of Love, Devotion, Domestic, Drug Addiction, F/F, Falling In Love, Family, Family Fluff, Ficlet Collection, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, Friendship, Gangs, Guilt, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Jealousy, Loss, Love, Medical Trauma, Mental Health Issues, Mild Sexual Content, Mild Smut, Missing Scene, Nichorello, One Shot Collection, Past Sexual Abuse, Post-Canon, Pre-Canon, Relationship Issues, Romance, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, Separations, Shorts, Solitary Confinement, Suicidal Thoughts, Threats of Violence, Unrequited Love, i will add tags as i add chapters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-08
Updated: 2019-07-18
Packaged: 2019-10-24 14:27:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 35
Words: 31,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17705984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lutefiskfisk/pseuds/Lutefiskfisk
Summary: A collection of ficlets with focus on Nichorello.





	1. Role Play

**Author's Note:**

> So, I thought I'd make this as a place for one-shots that I find too short to be fics of their own.  
> This first one is based on my headcanon that Nicky and Lorna like to role play.  
> A great shoutout goes out to junkienicky!  
> As always, I very much appreciate any feedback!

It was a normal day in camp. The COs were being obnoxious, the other inmates were fighting for a say in the TV program, and Nicky and Lorna were making out behind the altar.

Lorna was seated in Nicky’s lap, her fingers curled in the blonde’s wild mane while Nicky’s hands were roaming the creamy skin underneath the shorter woman’s khaki top, eliciting satisfied sighs from the brunette as she trailed hot kisses down her neck.

“Call me Maria,” Lorna growled heatedly.

Nicky looked up, quirking a brow.

“What, like _Jesus_ Maria?” she asked. “You know that didn’t work that way, that is, unless you think I’m God, which, by the way, would be pretty fucking weird for a good Catholic girl like you, especially if we consider where we are right now.”

“No, silly! Like in West Side Story. I’m Maria and you’re Tony.”

Inwardly, Nicky slammed her imaginary head into the nearest imaginary wall. _Of course._ But while this scenario was admittedly way lower on the batshit scale, it didn’t exactly fill the blonde with excitement. She wanted Lorna, no question, but there was no way that she’d contribute to her West Side Story fantasies. The line had to be drawn _somewhere_.

“Hang on,” she started. “Maria and Tony belonged to rival groups, right?”

Lorna nodded with enthusiasm. “The Jets and the Sharks.”

“So, in that analogy, what does that make _us_? You’re an inmate and I’m… a CO? Or _you’re_ a CO? I’m _not_ playing inmate and CO with you, Lorna, that’s fucked up!”

Lorna let out a huff. “I’m trying to be sexy here, and you’re coming with your logic?”

Her lips formed a pout and she looked so fucking adorable that Nicky was almost tempted to give in. But the blonde’s mind was set on not letting this fantasy play out.

“’sides,” she added. “it didn’t end well for the guy, did it? Nice to know that you’re getting off from a plot that has me getting killed.”

With a sour look, Lorna slid off Nicky’s lap and planted her bum onto the floor, leaving a measured distance between them as she crossed her arms in front of her chest and turned away.

“Well, you sure killed _the mood_ ,” she said.

Her voice sounded thick and Nicky knew the shorter woman well enough to tell that she was fighting her tears. Guilt settled heavily in her stomach as she hesitantly inched closer.

“Look-” she began an apology that she hadn’t quite formulated yet and placed a hand on Lorna’s shoulder, but the girl pulled away.

“No, Nicky. Leave me alone.”

“No, I’ll stay. _And I'll take you away where nothing can get to us._ ”

At this, Lorna turned her head, her wet, slightly reddened eyes only negligibly marring her expression of wonder.

“What?” Nicky chuckled. “I’ve seen that movie, too. Yeah, yeah, don’t ask,” she quickly added when she saw the triumphant look on Lorna’s face. “But it’s what you do in this place, right? Thinking of ways to escape from this shithole.”

Lorna smiled warmly, a look that made Nicky’s heartbeat pick up speed in a way that Lorna was surely able to feel when she gently placed a hand on her chest as she, finally, turned fully around and came closer.

“So, when you’ve figured out your escape, you’ll take me with you? And we’ll stay together?”

“Sure will,” Nicky smirked. “And I’ll make sure that you always feel _pretty, and witty, and_ gay.”

Lorna shook her head with what Nicky would’ve thought was exasperation if it hadn’t been for the badly suppressed grin on her lips. But then, she climbed back into Nicky’s lap, one hand on her back, the other in her mane, as she leant in and gave her a light peck on the cheek.

“I’d like that.”

Nicky smiled. She knew it was unlikely. Even if it wasn’t for that _fucking_ Christopher, she was sure that they wouldn’t last that long, and a happy ending of whatever sort wasn’t for her anyway. But for now, she decided as she hugged Lorna to herself, she allowed herself to lose herself in the fantasy of a life with Lorna on the other side of these walls.


	2. Storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter and another huge shoutout to junkienicky. You're awesome! :-)

As the world was relentlessly pounded by a rapid succession of fat drops of rain, Lorna's stomach sickeningly swooped with every gust of the howling wind outside. It wasn't that she was scared of the storm, but Litchfield simply wasn't the same when Nicky was more than just a few steps away. Somehow, it always made the cruel reality of being incarcerated more _real_ , and it didn't help at all that they were now in such an outlandish situation, all cooped up within the confines of the cafeteria without the usual orderly borders of beds, cubes and blocks. Nicky's hoodie that she'd snatched from her cube when they’d been ordered to go, and that was now securely tied around her shoulders, faintly smelled of her and gave her the warm, soothing feeling of being hugged from behind, but even that only did so much. Wherever it was that Nicky had gone to perform her work duty, Lorna hoped that she was alright.

Hearing Red talk about the ruthlessness of Vee was a welcome distraction. It gave Lorna's mind something to focus on, and the Russian’s voice, while harsh, was comforting in its own familiar sort of way. Lorna only wished that she was talking about something else. It reminded her of the very real possibility that one of Vee's goons could ambush Nicky as a way to get to Red.

But even if the topic of choice had been a more pleasant one, Lorna doubted that listening to Red's ramblings would've been enough to dispel her feeling of restlessness. She needed to _do_ something, to convert her built-up anxiety into motion. So, after Red had left them, presumably to pay a visit to the ‘honey bucket’, and was no longer around to pester her about taking along a buddy, Lorna took her chance. She got to her feet and started to walk, making her way through the noisy jumble of inmates, and she instantly felt a sense of relief.

She let her gaze wander as she walked, in hopes of finding Nicky somewhere. But as she got to the far side of the room, it wasn't the blonde that she spotted. It was Miss Rosa, lying motionless in a cocoon of blankets. Lorna's stomach dropped. From their countless drives to the hospital, she knew that the elderly woman wasn't doing well these days and her mind instantly started to race, expecting the worst. 

Gratefully, it turned out that Miss Rosa wasn't dead, and talking to her and seeing how she visibly felt better under her care temporarily made Lorna feel more at ease. But all too soon, Miss Rosa fell asleep again and back was this insufferable feeling of abandonment. Hugging her knees to her chest, Lorna nervously kept looking around, silently praying that Nicky would turn up soon.

And then there she was, finally, looking disheveled and confused as she appeared to be in search of a familiar face, and to Lorna, it was the most wonderful thing that she'd seen in a long time.

She waved at the blonde, careful to keep her voice down as she called out for her to not draw anyone’s attention to Nicky or wake up the sleeping woman beside her. When Nicky's eyes met her at last, her face immediately softened and, unable to keep herself from grinning widely, Lorna jumped to her feet, rushed over to her and hugged her tightly to herself.

“I’m so glad you're okay,” Lorna said.

“Eh, I wouldn't say ‘okay’ as much as a classic case of ‘FUBAR’, but I'll live.”

Lorna's stomach made a sickening jolt.

“What happened to you?” she asked, holding Nicky at arm’s length so that her eyes could quickly scan her for any sign for an injury.

Nicky sighed and that was when Lorna became aware of how tired the blonde looked. “Well, first, fucking Luschek made us wade through waist-deep water with some fucking dead rats floating in it. Then, it turned out that those administrational ass clowns never bothered to have the fuel tanks refilled. And to add some icing to this delightful cake of shit, that's when the blackout set in, so that we had to wade back through the waist-deep, rat-infested water without seeing as much as our own fucking hand in front of our face.”

“But you're here now,” Lorna said, giving her a sympathetic smile and comfortingly rubbing her shoulder before she ran her hand down her arm and took her hand into hers. “C’mon, Red’ll be so happy to see you.”

Nicky nodded, then cast a glance at Miss Rosa. “She’ll be alright?”

Nicky's concern for the older woman made Lorna’s smile grow even wider. “Yeah, she's good.”

And it was as if a weight dropped from her shoulders when Nicky finally enclosed her hand in hers.


	3. Worthless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I originally wrote this one as a chapter of “Overheard”, but I found that it didn’t really fit in there, so it got scrapped. Well, now it’s here.

Sometimes, Lorna wondered if Nicky was better off without her.

As long as she could think back, her extreme fear of being abandoned would make her unhealthily obsessive and jealous with regards to anyone she’d become invested in. It had disastrously culminated with Christopher, and it had later happened with Vinnie as well. Curiously, it hadn't happened with Nicky until they both got out of prison. Maybe it was because, on some subconscious level, Lorna had known that, being confined, Nicky had never really been able to go astray. Here, on the outside, however, it was much harder to keep tabs on her.

Tonight proved this once again. Nicky had spontaneously joined her co-workers to a bar after hours, and while Lorna had texted her back that she was cool with it, the truth could hardly have been more different. She had to physically lock away her phone and ended up spending the better part of the evening pacing in their apartment while horrible images kept flashing in her mind of Nicky being surrounded by dozens of sexy ladies and realizing that she could do better. It was all that Lorna could do to keep herself from frantically sending her text after text after text or from going to the bar and checking on her. It wasn't that she didn't trust Nicky (she'd never actually given her any reason to believe that she was anything but solidly faithful), but she was more than aware that a lot of people found the blonde attractive and that she could easily get another girl into bed at any given time if she only wanted to. And who could blame her if she did? After all, she deserved the best, and Lorna _la Loca_ wasn't that.

By the time Nicky returned, Lorna had gotten so deep in her own head that she was no longer able to react to anything her girlfriend said or did. Part of her was seething at Nicky (who was surely just playing nice before breaking up with her), and another part was scared of her own behavior and hated herself because she was putting poor, confused Nicky through this. But she was certain that the moment she started to talk, the full extent of her _crazy_ would be explosively unleashed, and Nicky couldn't possibly stay if she knew how ugly she, Lorna, was on the inside.

Nicky might have acted like she wasn't bothered, but when they were both in bed later that night, her sleep was restless. She was tossing and turning and occasionally mumbling incoherent stuff, as was often the case when she was worried or anxious. It made Lorna feel even worse about herself. She was lying on her side, her back turned to Nicky, and she was actually contemplating retreating to the couch, when she heard it.

“I love you, Lorna.”

It was nothing but a faint mumble, easy to miss or to mishear, but yet, it made Lorna turn around. She studied Nicky's face that was illuminated by the moonlight (ever since Litchfield, neither had been able to go back to sleeping in complete darkness), but there was no sign that Nicky was anything but fast asleep.

Lorna kept staring at Nicky. She had no idea what the other girl saw in her, what it was exactly that made her see past her madness and put up with her, that even made her look at her with _adoration_ most of the time, when it was so obvious that she really was worthless, stupid, weird, crazy and a burden to everyone. But for some reason, she _did_ love her, and Lorna was so grateful for it.

She let her fingertips feather along Nicky's cheek before she took Nicky's arm and carefully laid it around herself.

“I love you too, honey.”


	4. Coffee

Nicky had always loved a good coffee.

It had started when she was eleven and bought herself a paper cup of the black beverage before school. All the older kids did it, and cooly walking around on campus and taking a sip of it every now and then gave her a feeling of being grown up and unapproachable.

In a way, it became her first drug of choice. While the bitter taste wasn't palatable to most kids her age, she found that there was something soothing about the combination of this and the warmth of the drink, as though it was burning her sorrows away. And so, what started as occasional showing off soon became a ritual and then a thing she turned to whenever she felt lost or distressed. In later years, she would guzzle generous amounts of its extra strong variety whenever she woke up with a hangover or needed a crutch to get her through until her next fix.

Nevertheless, she actually developed a genuine taste for the drink. She took pride in her ability to distinguish different coffees by their roast and acidity, and sneered at all those unappreciative cretins that ordered Decaf Soy Vanilla Lattes with whipped cream and rainbow sprinkles or whatever the shit. One year, Marka, who was for once attentive enough to take notice of one of her daughter’s passions, gifted her one of those fancy expensive espresso machines that used actual beans for her birthday. And even despite the knowledge of where it’d come from, the appliance remained Nicky's most valued possession and was off-limits even after she’d pawned most of her other belongings for drug money.

When she got out of prison, her stomach was constantly in knots. She didn't know how to function in a world that was lacking everyone and everything that had, in their entirety, made up her home for the past five years. Although the only way she’d admit it out loud was behind jokes and walls of dripping sarcasm, she was glad to have Piper whose place she was staying at, the one constant that kept her connected to life as she knew it. But whenever Piper was out for work or other appointments, that burning, nervous sensation would painfully intensify.

One day, when she was feeling like this, jittery and filled with so much anxiety that she could barely feel her hands, she decided to pay a visit to the café down the street that she’d spotted soon after her release. As soon as she opened the door, the rich familiar scent wafted towards her and it instantly felt like being at home. She ordered a dark roast and sat at a single table in the corner.

After years of forcing down the vile, diluted, lukewarm swill that the prison dared to call coffee, the smell and taste that she'd once been so accustomed to almost felt too much. In a way, it was like discovering it all over again. As she was sitting there, savoring the hot beverage, she looked around, observing the other customers. There was a group of teenage girls sitting together after school, businesspeople in suits who grabbed a coffee to go in between meetings, some new mothers with their toddlers, and an elderly couple enjoying cappuccinos and cake. It was a peaceful scene in its sheer normalcy and Nicky found it mindblowing that she got to be here with them, that she was allowed and accepted to be part of this.

It was the same place that she took Lorna to a few months later. She smiled contentedly as she felt the warm rays of the summer sun that bathed the cozy room in its golden light, inhaling the comforting scent of her usual black coffee and feeling amused by Lorna's choice of a Strawberry White Chocolate Mocha Frappuccino (which she had to admit wasn't actually _that_ bad, really). Life was good and she was grateful for being here and given this second chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kind of enjoy writing these little <1000-word fics. It allows me to make something out of small spontaneous ideas like this without thinking too much about it. I already have a vague idea for another one that's inspired by something in this fic and will probably come next.
> 
> Now, I'm not _exactly_ saying that I'm taking prompts, but since I'm tempted to continue in this vein, I'd be interested in hearing if anyone has some more ideas for this (bonus points if it's something nice and fluffy) which could serve me as inspiration.
> 
> Anyway, thanks to anyone who's reading this!


	5. Ice Cream

As Nicky was jogging behind Lorna, she tried not to feel too frustrated by the fact that the unfamiliar exertion and the relentless heat of the summer sun made her feel as if she was fucking _dying_ and that Lorna was getting ahead with so much more grace in spite of her shorter legs. 

Not long after Litchfield had let her go, Lorna had picked up jogging. It had first been a way of dealing with the traumas that she’d experienced in prison and with the anxiety that had then come along with suddenly being thrown back into a world that seemed too large and too unpredictable. But soon, it had become a hobby that she was now pursuing with a frightening level of seriousness. While Nicky was happy that her girlfriend had found this release, the sport was certainly nothing that the blonde had ever taken the slightest interest in, but she had only so much power to resist Lorna's enthusiasm and puppy eyes.

Despite her discomfort, Nicky couldn't help but smile. Lorna had a way of getting her involved into things. Back in Litchfield already, the other girl had made her discover a more playful side of herself that she’d thought she didn't have in her anymore after a lifetime of growing up lonely and doing her damnedest to bury any emotion of hers.

But two could play this game.

“All done,” Lorna beamed, _finally_ coming to a stop and pulling out her phone. She did a bit of tapping and swiping and then her lips formed a triumphant grin. “Wow, 40 seconds per mile less than Wednesday.”

“That's great, babe,” Nicky panted and wiped her sweaty forehead. “In fact, it's so great that I’d say we've deserved ourselves a reward. Let's have some ice cream.”

“Nicky!” Lorna laughed in mock outrage. “It kind of defeats the purpose of jogging to have ice cream now.”

“Oh yeah? What about loading up on carbs?”

“Well, you’d do that before a run, not after, and _not_ with ice cream.”

Much to her chagrin, Nicky couldn’t see a flaw in this logic, so she resorted to Lorna’s tactic of playing it cute.

“Oh, _puh-leeease_?” she begged, fluttering her eyelashes. “Pretty please?”

Lorna rolled her eyes. “Jeez, alright. But stop _looking_ at me like that.”

Two blocks closer to their apartment, they bought themselves two cones in a small ice cream parlor. As Nicky noted with a degree of smugness, Lorna didn’t seem as opposed to the idea of having some ice cream as she’d made it out to be. As they ambled back home, the brunette had her eyes closed and sighed with enjoyment as she slowly licked her scoop into a smooth orb in a way that did something to Nicky’s nether region.

“You know what they say about the way you eat your ice cream, right?” Nicky asked.

Lorna raised a brow at her.

“It shows how you kiss,” Nicky explained. “And I can attest to that ‘cause you’re using a _damn_ lot of tongue.”

“And _you_ basically bite your ice cream like you can’t get enough of it,” Lorna said, eyeballing Nicky’s scoop that had grooves where Nicky’s teeth had gone through it.

“Wanna prove the theory?”

Nicky came to a stop and, bringing her free hand to the back of Lorna’s head, lured the smaller woman’s face towards her. Just like she’d done it with her ice cream, Lorna sensually licked around Nicky’s lips. Her breath smelled like her cherry ice cream which harmonized too well with her lipstick, and Nicky let out an involuntary moan. Lorna took her chance and pushed her tongue between Nicky’s lips.

Nicky lost herself in the kiss, but then, Lorna abruptly pulled away. When the blonde opened her eyes in confusion, feeling mildly disoriented, she caught Lorna as she swiftly licked across her stracciatella ice cream.

“Lorna, what the fuck?” Nicky exclaimed and the girl looked up at her. In her haste to steal from Nicky’s cone, she’d gotten a smudge of white ice cream on her nose.

“Distraction tactic,” Lorna grinned, looking extraordinarily pleased with herself.

Nicky let out an exaggerated sigh. “Man, you’re a right piece of work, you know that?” she said before she used her finger to wipe the ice cream off her girlfriend’s nose, then licked her finger clean.

“Yeah, and you love it,” Lorna replied and wrapped her arm around the waist of the blonde who smiled affirmatively. “Here, have some of mine,” she added, offering her cone to Nicky.

As they continued to stroll, they kept sharing their ice cream and more kisses.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: When I wrote the line about Nicky's more playful side, I was thinking of that scene in which she and Lorna were playing with their sausages on forks, lol.


	6. Roller Coaster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some reason, I dreamt of the carnival last night, but it gave me the idea for another ficlet, so I quickly put this together. Enjoy!

“Oh, Nicky, this is _not_ safe.”

Nicky cast a glance at Lorna who was sitting next to her in the roller coaster car, her face pale and her body trembling. The two of them were treating themselves to a day at the nearby theme park. It was something that Nicky and her rich snooty asshole “friends” from one of her rich snooty asshole high schools had been doing quite frequently back in the day, and a preferred activity of theirs while there had been looking as unimpressed as possible while they were doing ride after ride on the most intimidating-looking coasters under the influence of a healthy dose of shrooms. For Lorna, however, whose family hadn’t been able to afford trips like that (no pun intended), this was something new. The way the brunette was worrying would've been completely adorable if Nicky hadn't been afraid that she'd pass out with fear at any moment.

“Hey, look,” Nicky said. “It may not look like it, but it really _is_. These things are made so that the gravitational forces always keep you pushed into your seat, plus, you have this bar to hold on to.” She shook the metal bar that was fixed above their laps for good measure. “Nothing’s gonna happen to you, I promise.”

“But what if it's not gonna work for me?” Lorna squeaked. “My feet barely reach the floor-”

Nicky's eyes widened the tiniest bit. She had no idea if that changed anything, but she’d be damned if she let it show.

“-and I could rip the bar out when I fall out.”

At that, the blonde had to laugh. “Babe, that's not gonna happen. This is built to keep your average 400-pound American in, and, no offense, but you barely weigh a thing _and_ you can't open the fucking pickle jar by yourself.”

It was a testimony to Lorna's fear that the brunette didn't appear the slightest bit pissed but instead kept looking heartbreakingly unconvinced.

“‘sides, I'm with you, kid,” Nicky added. “You can always hold on to me.”

Lorna shook her head frantically. “No can do. I'll only pull you with me.”

The blonde sighed inwardly, realizing that she wouldn't get through to her with reason.

“Hey, just try to relax, alright?” she tried a different approach, wrapping a protective arm around Lorna's shoulders and leaning in to nuzzle her temple. “I'm here. I won't let anything happen to you.”

But the smaller girl’s body remained tense. “No, no, no, no, no, Nicky, stay focused-”

Lorna didn't get to continue her speech as a startled squeal escaped from her quivering lips when the train made a sudden jolt and slowly started to roll forward. Abiding by Lorna's wish, Nicky let go of her and sat upright.

And then, their seats tilted back as the train made its slow ascent.

“Oh my God, oh my God, oh my _God_ ,” Lorna whimpered as they, slowly but steadily, climbed higher and higher, and, to her great dismay, Nicky found that she couldn't blame her. While she knew that they’d be safe, she suddenly became unwantedly aware of how long it had been since the last time she’d done this, and she started to feel slightly queasy.

The train had now reached its highest point and slowed down excruciatingly in anticipation of the first drop. Nicky dared to look down. It was really fucking high. She turned towards Lorna. The girl was gripping the metal bar in front of them so hard that her knuckles had turned white. Her face had taken on a tint of green and her lips were moving tonelessly, and Nicky was convinced that she was saying a silent prayer.

But even if Nicky had known how to calm her down, she didn't get to it because, right then, the train made another jolt and then tipped forward - and down it went.

Her hair was whipping in the slipstream and an exhilarating rush of adrenaline surged through her body as the train thundered down - down - _down_ at a breakneck pace, and even among the whoops and screams of the other passengers, she could clearly make out Lorna's high-pitched shriek.

The rest of the ride was all a blur, dominated by this feeling of being _alive_ and liberated. It was so strong and all-encompassing that she completely forgot to check on her girlfriend. With a slight feeling of dread, she turned towards the other girl, who still had a death grip on the metal bar and was screeching loudly. It was impossible to tell if she was excited or terrified.

But then, the train came to a halt and with a loud _‘Psshhh’_ , the bar was lifted off them. Legs slightly shaking, Nicky followed Lorna out of the car.

“Still alive, I see,” she teased as they made their way towards the exit. “How was it, kid?”

“Oh, hon, it was incredible!” Lorna beamed, her cheeks wonderfully rosy, and she twisted her body to place a hand onto the blonde's chest. “I was so scared but then it was - just - so - _cool_!” She let out a laugh and actually started to hop up and down a little. “Please, let's do it again! Please, please, please!”

Nicky laughed back, unable to shake the feeling that she might just have created a monster.


	7. Pet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My first piece of writing based on a prompt.

In retrospect, Nicky should've known.

It had been just too suspicious that on their way back from the park, Lorna had wanted to try a different route which just _happened_ to lead past a pet store which the brunette _spontaneously_ had to pay a visit to in order to _“look at all those cute little critters just once, honey, please!”_ And when the family of three had entered the store which strongly smelled of hay and was filled with the sounds of barking, meowing, chirping and scratching (because Nicky was a good wife who couldn't deny her girl a sweet little favor like that, or maybe she was just hopelessly whipped), Lorna dropped all pretense and claimed that they should get a pet - for Carmine.

“There’s studies that prove that it's beneficial for a young child like him to grow up with a pet,” the brunette said and it sounded stilted as though she’d learned it by heart.

“Right,” Nicky said, looking down at their toddler son who was clutching her leg and looked way more overwhelmed than interested. “But, look, even if we ignore the fact that Carmine’s never _once_ asked for a pet - he’s only three. There’s no way that he’s gonna take care of it. So, if you’ve absolutely _got_ to get a pet, it's something _you’ve_ gotta be committed to.”

“I think I’d like a cat,” Lorna mused as though she hadn't listened at all and ambled towards a nearby cage that housed a pair of felines. “A little kitten for the Kitten.”

Holding Carmine by the hand, Nicky followed her reluctantly. “Babe, have you thought that through?” she asked. “Like, _at all_? We’re barely juggling work and raising the kid. How the fuck are we supposed to train a cat to not scratch and piss all over the furniture?”

“Well, we managed it with Carmine-”

“Jesus, Lorna, just because you call him ‘Kitten’ doesn't mean he _is_ one.”

“But we should _really_ get a cat,” Lorna insisted. “Just look, they're so _cuuuute_!” She stuck some fingers between the bars of the cage to pet the nearest cat as best she could. “Yeah, you are a cute one, you _are_ ,” she cooed.

Nicky felt the onset of a headache.

“Yeah, well, a _lot_ of animals are,” she said with what felt like angelic patience. “So, if you're so insistent on getting a pet, can we maybe, _please_ , agree on something smaller? Something that's easier to handle?”

Lorna turned to look at her.

“Well, okay,” she said with hesitation and a furrowed brow. “But just no bunny rabbit, ‘cause-”

“Yeah, yeah, I haven't forgotten about Mr. Snuffles, alright,” the blonde quickly interjected, remembering how Lorna had once told her about the painful memory of the beloved pet rabbit that she’d had as a child and that her father had forced her to give away after their financial situation had become too threatening, and that was still occasionally haunting her in her dreams, seeking revenge in bloodthirsty ways.

“So, something smaller then,” Lorna thought aloud, whilst making her way towards the Small Animal section, her wife and son in tow. She looked around for a bit as she walked, and then she stopped in her tracks and her face lit up.

“Aww, look at that!”

Nicky looked, and the sight of a terrarium full of rats immediately made her take a step back.

“Hell, no, absolutely not,” she blurted out, adding a few steps for good measure.

“Aw, why not?” Lorna smiled. She was well aware of Nicky's fear of the bare-tailed rodents, but, damn her, it never stopped her from teasing her about it. “It would be such a nice tribute to Nutella and Augustine and all the others who got left behind.”

“You’ve got to be… _Nope_. Not. Happening. Really, _anything_ but that.”

Lorna giggled, but then decided to have mercy.

“Well, okay, so what about…” Turning on the spot, the brunette let her eyes wander. “A tortoise?”

“A _tortoise_? What the fuck is Kit supposed to do with a tortoise? Watch it eat and poop? You can't even pet it!”

“A fish?”

“That's even worse.”

“A tarantula?”

“You have _got_ to be kidding me.”

Some movement in the corner of her left eye caught Nicky's attention. In the terrarium next to her, a guinea pig with shaggy orange fur had separated itself from its group and was now looking at her intently through the pane of glass.

Nicky let out a sigh. “Yeah, man, _this_ is what I've gotta deal with day after day,” she said to the critter that tilted its head as though it understood. “I mean, I fucking _love_ this woman, but damn, she's a right handful sometimes.”

“Mom, what's that?”

That was Carmine who had interrupted his task of observing the rodents at his eye level to look up at the blonde with an air of curiosity.

“That’s my new buddy who kindly commiserates with me,” Nicky explained and picked up her son so that he could see the orange critter. “Buddy, meet Carmine. Carmine, Buddy.”

“It’s Lulu!” Carmine exclaimed, placing a hand onto the pane, and, as though in response, the guinea pig raised itself up on its hind legs. “Hi, Lulu!”

Lorna walked over, joining their little group, a bright smile on her face as she watched them.

“Oh my God, this is so adorable!”

“Uh, well-” Nicky started, but the brunette shook her head.

“Too late. Kit’s already named him. And he’s got your hair. This is destiny.”

Nicky took a long hard look at the critter.

Twenty minutes later, they were at the checkout, packing up a cage and a bag of supplies for Lulu, the latest addition to their family.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nicky doesn't make a suggestion of her own to not give Lorna any ideas, but if she was less averse to the responsibility and didn't find it too inappropiate in a household with a young child, she'd choose a parrot whom she'd teach to say naughty things. I also like to think that Carmine calls Nicky "Mom", just like Nicky calls Red.


	8. New Year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve already meant to write a fic like this around the end of last year, but didn’t have the time for it back then, seeing that my initial idea for this was a lot more elaborate. Looking back, though, I think it was also way more unrealistic, but I now got what I think is a much better idea, so here it is. It’s only late by a few weeks, right?

Lorna couldn’t sleep. Or maybe it wasn’t as much that she _couldn’t,_ but that she wasn’t _willing_ to. Not tonight and not here.

It wasn’t the first major holiday that she had to spend in Litchfield. But unlike Thanksgiving with its special meal and that black girl’s farewell party, and Christmas when she’d been distracted by Secret Santa and the pageant that she’d taken part in, there had been nothing that made New Year’s Eve stand out in any way. There had been no music, no cheese fondue and no sparkling wine. No talk about resolutions and no arguing with family over a messy game of Monopoly. And there was just something wrong about having their usual 9:30 p.m. bedtime, as if this was just another ordinary day, and being expected to sleep when the new year began.

So, instead of sleeping, she was sitting in her bed, hugging her knees to her chest and looking up to her window. She wished that she had a watch, but she was certain that it wasn’t midnight just yet. It was only every once in a while that she heard the whistle and boom of a lone firecracker somewhere far away, followed by the ghost of a colorful light that faintly illuminated the dorm for a brief moment. But she never got to see any sparks. _‘Great,’_ she gloomily thought to herself. _‘Even the fireworks they’re taking away from us.’_

* * *

 

Crouching down, Nicky peeked out of the entrance to her cubicle. CO Kowalski, who appeared to be alone in the bubble, was immersed in his magazine. _‘Now or never,’_ the inmate thought to herself and, feeling her heart pound in her throat, she tiptoed down the walkway as quickly as she dared to, until she reached a very specific cube.

Just like she’d expected, Lorna was awake, sitting upright in her bed, and she carefully cleared her throat to get the girl’s attention. The brunette flinched, then turned around, and when she realized that who stood there wasn’t a CO doing rounds, a little smile appeared on her face.

“How’re you holding up, kid?” Nicky asked, voice low, as she entered the other girl’s cube. Lorna shifted in her bed so that her back was against the wall, and then invitingly patted the left side of her mattress for Nicky to sit, and the blonde settled down.

“I dunno,” the brunette mumbled, playing with a hole in the sleeve of her nightgown. “It’s weird. This is gonna be my first full year in p-prison.”

“Ah, they grow up so fast,” Nicky said in mock reminiscence. “First they’re all but little orange newbies, then they start their first year, and before you know it, they’re the old stagers that fucking rule this shithole.”

Lorna let out a wet sort of chuckle that turned into a strangled sob.

“I know it’s silly,” she said, sniffling. “It’s just… I miss my old life. Here, it’s like… it’s like everything’s so far away and nothing’s really mine. Not even _my own life_ is mine.”

Nicky looked at her sadly. Even she, who found that not even her life on the _outside_ had ever really been hers, knew that feeling. Stepping out of your normal life is nice when it’s your own choice, but something else entirely when you’re forced to do it, well knowing that the rest of the world moves on without you. And being cooped up in here, subjecting oneself to a schedule and not being able to choose where to go and what to eat and when to sleep sooner or later got to everyone. But it wasn’t all bad. There was something that got her through every single fucking day in this place, and maybe she could make Lorna see that, too.

“‘s not silly, kid, I get you,” she said. “But, hey, you know what’s yours, even in here?”

Lorna raised a quizzical brow at her.

“We are. Me and Red and Gina and the whole bunch. Our little fucked-up prison family. Uh, I know it can’t compete with the wonderful folks you’ve got out there, but at least it’s as dysfunctional as it can get.”

At that, Lorna faintly smiled and Nicky felt a squirming sensation in her stomach. It was wrong because they were no longer sleeping together and, clearly, Lorna needed her in a much different way right now, and, maybe, if she wasn’t such a sick, pathetic fuck, she could make herself believe that it was just the thought of New Year’s traditions that gave her the idea - but, _damn_ , she wanted to kiss those lips, and they weren’t even bearing their usual inviting shade of red.

“You’ll always have us, kid. We’re yours,” the blonde said quietly, and though, of course, she mainly meant herself, she tried to hold back and contented herself with giving the girl a peck on the temple.

Lorna gave a little nod and then sank into her, burrowing her head under her chin, and Nicky held her tight. There was nothing sexual about it, but after all those long-ass weeks of dancing around each other and being mindful of not getting too close, it felt so fucking good to finally have her in her arms again, to hold her like this and to feel her gradually calm down and relax.

And then, suddenly, there was a rapid succession of firecracker shots outside, and it was as though their weak colorful lights permanently turned the block a little brighter. The new year had begun and the two inmates were starting it in each other’s arms.

“Happy New Year, kid,” Nicky whispered and pressed her lips to the top of Lorna’s head.

The brunette responded by tightening her hold on her and she pecked her on the chest, just right where her lips happened to be, and a shiver went down Nicky’s spine.

“Happy New Year, Nicky.”


	9. Crave

It’s like you crave for chocolate. If it’s not in the house, you may think of it, and you may want it, maybe even yearn for it, but it’s manageable. But once it’s anywhere near you, every single fiber of your being screams that you _need_ it, and you need it _now_ , and it fully occupies every crevice of your mind and thinking until you’ve finally given in.

Just that with heroin, it’s a billion times worse, and, right now, after two years of separation, the substance that was both her foe and her savior, her worst enemy and her best friend, the fucking bane of her existence and the best lover she’d ever had, was near her again. Fuck that dumb cunt Taystee and that creepy fucking Vee character for putting her into this situation.

Carefully hidden behind her pillow in her cube, she played with the little baggie courtesy of those two, relishing its weight in her hand and its consistency between her trembling fingers. She was just looking at it, she told herself. Just proving to herself that she was stronger than that, able to resist. But it did look beautiful, she found as she lifted the bag up to her face. White and innocent, and it was hard to believe that something that looked so pure could do any sort of harm.

Except that it had. If it hadn’t been for the heroin, Tricia, her sweet little prison sister, wouldn’t have been kicked out of the family and fallen victim to Pornstache, and she’d still be alive and kicking with a chance of getting out of here - of her own accord, and not on a cart in a fucking body bag at an age at which, if the world was a good place, death shouldn’t even be wasted a thought on.

She wondered if the girl had to suffer. If her own near-death experiences were anything to go by, probably not, but then again, there had been nothing waiting for her, either. No feeling of bliss or a beckoning bright light or whatever the fuck else that other people claimed to have experienced. Just a scary fucking cold, dark void. Nothingness. Still, in some ways, even that would be preferable to _this_.

It was only then that she realized that she’d opened the baggie and started to sniff and lick around its edges (because _‘a tiny taste won’t do shit; it’s not like I’m taking a full dose, right?’_ ), and it was probably the memory of Red’s reaction to the death of her youngest daughter that pulled her back into reality. Red, who was always so tough and careful to never show weakness, had been devastated and it had been disturbing to see. Nothing that a mother should ever have to go through. And yet, she couldn’t help but wonder if the older woman would mourn _her_ like that, too. She had no idea why she should.

And then, another face appeared in front of her mind’s eye - that of Lorna, with teary eyes that so desperately beseeched her as she was sitting on that stairwell, afraid that she’d hate and abandon her now that she’d seen who she really was. She’d had a hunch that something was off about the smaller woman, but she’d always assumed that her ramblings about Christopher were just a manifestation of some unhealthy type of coping mechanism or a lame excuse for breaking up with her. Never had she imagined that she was _that_ troubled, that this sweet, adorable girl whose presence could light up not only an entire room but her whole world, was burdened with such a dark secret, and it broke her heart. The poor girl needed help, but hell would freeze over before she’d get it in this place. Which meant that now that she knew, it was up to her to help Lorna through this.

Pulling herself together, she resealed the baggie and got to her feet. It took her all the willpower she could muster, but she knew that if she didn’t make use of this one moment of clarity, she’d immediately be dragged back into the abyss. She needed to tell Red. She might not be able to do it for herself, but she had to do it for them, for those people that meant everything to her. And she had to make it up to them. Last time, she had helped to get drugs in. Now, if all went well, she might be able to help getting them out.


	10. Drive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song to go along with this: Be Quiet and Drive by Deftones. You’re welcome.

It had been a silent agreement, brought about by the shared restless feeling of being cooped up in their tiny apartment. In a rush of giddy excitement, they’d made off in the dead of night, just because they _could_ , and here they now were, zooming down the uncharacteristically deserted highway in their beat-up used compact car (which, on account of Nicky’s lack of a license, was effectively Lorna’s). They hadn’t talked about a destination, but their ability to understand each other without words that they’d brought to perfection over the years had each woman realize that the other needed the very same as herself - just getting far, _far_ away.

Nicky was riding shotgun, leaning her head against the window and taking in the landscape that was flying past them under the dark, starry sky. Faint music was coming out of the radio, barely loud enough to be heard over the steady drone of the engine and drowned out by the whoosh of the occasional vehicle that came their way. It all gave the blonde a tranquil sense of freedom that made her fantasize about saying “Fuck it” and leaving everything behind in a grand, dramatic manner, and starting afresh. Or maybe doing a full-blown road trip, like Thelma and Louise, but without the fucked-up parts.

It was amazing that something as trivial as a car ride could give her ideas like that. Before she got to prison, she would’ve been entirely indifferent about a ride like this, seen it as a pure annoyance, or maybe even flat-out hated it. But after five years of moving at no faster than, quite literally, a walking pace (not counting her various transfers to SHU and Max and back again), she didn’t think that she could ever fully get used to this kind of speed again.

She turned her gaze to Lorna whose face was in the shadow, regularly illuminated by the orange glow of the lighting they passed by. The girl was focused on the road, but the look on her face was serene, as if it was no effort at all to control the tons of steel inside of which they were shooting down the road at a speed at which, frankly, humans weren’t supposed to move. As she was watching her, Nicky took in all those little motions of hers as she occasionally shifted the steering wheel to stay on course, drumming her fingers against it to the beat of the music, and ever so slightly turned her head and furrowed her brow whenever a road sign came into view. Seeing her drive often made the blonde oddly sentimental about the prison van, and the memories of the way this small woman, seated on a big-ass pillow, was subduing that behemoth of a vehicle always filled her with this weird mixture of amusement and admiration, and she couldn’t help but trust her completely.

The car gradually slowed down as Lorna steered it into a secluded rest area, perhaps as a response to her correct interpretation of Nicky’s lingering gaze. She parked in the shadows of a row of large trees and turned off the ignition, then shifted in her seat to face her girlfriend, bearing a warm smile and a look of anticipation.

She looked beautiful, the blonde found, so much so that she felt her heart drum a wild tattoo against her ribcage in earnest as she reached out for her. With a slightly shaky hand, she tucked a stray strand of hair behind the shorter woman’s ear, before she gently pulled her towards her while leaning in. Their lips met halfway for a sweet kiss, and when they separated, the look in Lorna’s eyes made Nicky tremble in awe.

“Now what?”


	11. SHU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since the prison van had a mention in the previous chapter, it gets some action here.
> 
> And, again, many thanks to junkienicky!

Relief washed over Lorna when Nicky, looking exceptionally grumpy and disheveled and carrying what must've been one of the last remaining breakfast trays, finally joined her at the table that she was sharing with Tricia, Mercy, DeMarco and Yoga Jones. She’d been afraid that Nicky wouldn't make it in time; the first few inmates were already making their way out of the cafeteria to take on their work duty when the blonde plopped down beside her. But the joy was of the short-lived kind. Nicky had barely taken a bite out of her waffle when Luschek approached their table.

“You - and you,” he barked, pointing first at Tricia, then at Nicky. “I need you in the laundry. Now.”

“Aw, shit man,” Nicky groaned and let her waffle flop onto her tray. “Can’t it wait for _five_ fucking minutes?”

“No, it fucking _can't_ ,” Luschek replied, mimicking Nicky's tone. “There's a short down there, so the laundry girls gotta stand in the dark until you fix it. Not that I give a shit,” he added with a shrug.

Muttering expletives under her breath, Nicky picked up her bitten waffle and heaved herself out of her seat.

“Attagirl,” Luschek said and started to walk off.

Lorna didn't fail to notice the rebellious look on Nicky's face. “C’mon,” the brunette said in a placatory whisper, and the pair followed Luschek and the other women out of the room.

When they arrived at the door, however, Pornstache, who was keeping watch, stopped them in their tracks.

“Tut, tut, no food outside the cafeteria,” he chided, pointing at Nicky's waffle. However, the blonde just shot him a venomous glare and continued to walk right past him.

“Are you fucking deaf, inmate?” the guard bellowed and roughly grabbed her arm.

“Kiss my fucking ass, Pornstache!” Nicky snapped and yanked her arm out of his grasp. “If you're so keen on playing the big man, just gimme the damn shot and get it over with, alright?”

Lorna nervously bit her lip, readying herself for the explosion, but it never came.

“Oh, no, I don't think so,” the guard said instead, his voice eerily calm, and repulsively licked his lips. “Such insolence calls for more drastic measures. I’d say you fare well with a nice long visit to the SHU.”

“Aw, don't be an ass, dude!” Luschek intervened, but the taller guard’s smirk just broadened.

“I'm not an ass, you pussy, I'm teaching a lesson. These criminals will never learn to comply if they think that their disobedience won't have real consequences. Now,” he turned to Nicky. “Chop, chop, inmate!”

Lorna felt sick to her stomach. While she was still quite new to Litchfield and Nicky's tales of the SHU had made it sound like it wasn't a big deal, she’d already witnessed enough to know that it was a horrible place. The women that she’d picked up from there during van duty had always come out different than they’d gone in. Some seemed disturbingly happy about every single little thing after spending days or even weeks deprived of all stimuli. Others were drawn into their own heads, talking to imaginary people and flinching at every sound. And then there were those who appeared utterly depleted as they’d been unable to sleep due to the constant exposure to the fluorescent light. She shuddered to think what the place would do to Nicky.

It was her who had to drive her to the downhill building and it made her feel as though she was an enforcer, a lousy betrayer, sealing the fate of the blonde who was defiantly slouched in the backseat.

Driving back without her was even worse if that was possible. She’d never spent a day in Litchfield without Nicky and the prospect of being without her for an indefinite amount of time made her stomach churn. What was more was that whatever would happen to Nicky would be her fault. She was the one who had left her behind in that gruesome place and her mind was racked with guilt, thinking of ways in which she could've prevented this mess. She shouldn't have let her take along the waffle, she thought, blinking the wetness out of her eyes. She should’ve stepped in before she mouthed off Pornstache. Maybe she should've woken her up so that she’d gotten earlier to the cafeteria in the first place. Anything but just standing there like a dummy and letting it all happen.

After what had easily felt like the longest week of her life, it took Lorna only one concerned look to realize that Nicky was one of those that shut themselves off. As the blonde, finally, wonderfully, approached the van that would take her back to camp, she was pale and apathetic and seemingly unaware of her surroundings. But maybe it was for the better, Lorna thought to herself. Riding in the seat next to her was a certain mustachioed shitstain that was constantly shooting gleeful taunts in Nicky's direction ( _“Finally learned your place, haven't you, inmate?”_ ) and Lorna had to clench her teeth and grip hard at the steering wheel to keep herself from doing something to the man that would drastically prolong her sentence.

Eventually, they entered camp and Nicky automatically shuffled towards the temporary dorms.

“Nicky, wait!” Lorna called after her.

Nicky stopped and slowly turned around. Even though her face was still devoid of any expression, it was the first time since their reunion that she showed a reaction to what was going on around her.

“Here, take this,” the brunette said and gave her the stack of magazines that she was carrying along. “And that.” She dug her hand into the pocket of her shirt and pulled out the little radio that she’d salvaged from Nicky's cube before any of the other inmates could claim dibs on it.

Lorna could tell that she needed to give the other woman some space as to not overwhelm her with too many sensations. Still, she couldn't keep herself from gently rubbing her arm after she’d handed her the radio.

“It’s good to have you back,” she said warmly, and, to her elation, Nicky responded with a faint little smile.

And that was when she knew that she was going to be okay.


	12. Goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, yeah. Sorry in advance, I guess.
> 
> And a great shoutout to junkienicky!

The sound of happy voices guided Lorna through the apartment, until she finally found them in Carmine’s light-flooded room. Nicky was sitting cross-legged on the wooden floor next to the crib, rocking the tiny bundle that was her son in her arms, and she was softly speaking to him, to which he responded with gleeful giggles.

It warmed Lorna’s heart to see her two favorite people in the world together like this, and she settled down next to the other woman. She pressed a kiss to Carmine’s cheek, then to Nicky’s, before she wrapped her arms around the two of them and leant into the blonde. She closed her eyes, relishing the feeling of having them in her arms, those two people that belonged to her, and the calming warmth that radiated from their bodies. It was pure bliss and she felt complete, like this had always been meant to be.

“I know I don’t say it often enough,” she mumbled in contentment. “but I’m so glad that you’re with me.”

“Yeah, about that,” she heard Nicky’s voice. “We’re only here to say goodbye.”

Lorna jerked up her head and stared at the blonde.

“W-what are you talking about?” she asked, frowning, certain that she hadn’t heard it right. Suddenly, the room seemed colder, darker.

Nicky sighed. “Babe, stuff has happened,” she said wearily. “Bad stuff. Me… I died in the kickball match. And Carmine here… He died when you gave birth.”

Lorna’s body became numb. Her mouth felt dry. She could hear her blood rush in her ears.

This wasn’t real. It made no sense. This had to be some sick joke.

“But you’re here!” she blurted out, starting to feel somewhat hysteric. Her heart was hammering wildly in her chest and her eyes rapidly flickered between Nicky and Carmine who both looked back at her mournfully. “I’m _talking_ to you! I can _see_ you! I can _touch_ you!”

She tightened her hold on Nicky’s shoulder to emphasize her point, but, as though on cue, she suddenly lost her grip on her and it was as though an invisible force was pulling her away from the two. Or did Nicky and Carmine become smaller?

“What… what’s happening?” she shrieked. “No, I don’t want this! No, no, please don’t leave me! _No_!”

“I’m so sorry, kid,” Nicky said, and her voice echoed weirdly as though she on the other end of a long tunnel.

“No!” Lorna sobbed, reaching out for them, struggling to get back to them. “Nicky!”

But it was no avail. No matter how hard she tried, Nicky and Carmine got only further out of reach, and she knew that there was no hope. And so, she threw a last glance at the pair, desperate to commit the sight of them to her memory forever.

And then there was darkness.

And, suddenly, she found herself in a hospital bed and she was all alone with only the beeping of the machines by her side keeping her company.

And then, everything came flooding back to her. The utility closet. Annalisa. The shiv against Nicky’s throat. Blood streaming down her own legs. And that sharp, unbearable pain in her abdomen.

Instinctively, her hands flew down her body. Her baby bump was gone.

And reality dissolved in her pained, guttural scream.


	13. Loved

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluffing this back up now.  
> And, yes, even though the beginning of this is kind of similar to the one of "Goodbye", this one is truly and completely fluff. In fact, I've written this before "Goodbye" but switched the posting order because I thought that it would be incredibly jarring otherwise.
> 
> And, again, a great shoutout to junkienicky for your input and support!

As Lorna blinked the sleep out of her bleary eyes, she let her gaze slowly wander, and realizing where she was made her feel like she was floating with elation.

Even though it’d been months since she’d been released from Litchfield, she frequently had moments, just like this, in which she could barely believe that all of this was real, that she was really here, tucked into Nicky’s side, in their own bed, in their own place, flooded by the mellow light of the awakening morning sun, and that they were free and safe and wonderfully whole. 

Seeking reassurance, she lifted her head and looked down at her girlfriend. She blonde was fast asleep. Of course. Lorna hadn’t expected anything else. Nicky was far from being a morning person, and she was even further from it now that she no longer had to submit herself to Litchfield’s schedule, which was as unsuitable for night owls as it could get. Her old rhythm was something to which the blonde had bounced back surprisingly soon, and so, she’d blissfully slept through incessant ringing of the alarm, Carmine’s crying, and even that one memorable forenoon when their next-door neighbor had spent what had felt like hours drilling into the wall that he shared with their bedroom. 

A fond smile found its way on Lorna’s face as she took in Nicky’s features. She looked adorable in her sleep. Carefree. Peaceful. The tough guy persona that she put on for everyone was gone and Lorna felt honored to be the one who got to see Nicky like this, the one with whom she felt so comfortable that she could allow herself to let her guard down. 

She cupped her cheek in her hand and as her thumb gently caressed her skin, she leant in to softly kiss the other one. Nicky kept sleeping, unperturbed, and, somehow, it only deepened the affection Lorna felt for her. 

She couldn’t help herself. She kissed Nicky again, and again, spreading a trail of kisses up the side of her face, until she reached her temple where she nuzzled her fluffy hair. It was only then that she felt her girlfriend stir beside her. 

“Uh, that’s a way of wakin’ up,” the blonde mumbled drowsily, a light dopey smile playing about her lips. 

“You better get used to it,” Lorna smirked and watched how Nicky endearingly struggled her eyes open. “‘Cause there’s more where that came from.” 

Not waiting for a response, she leant in again, this time to give Nicky a fervent kiss full-on on the mouth. The moment their lips met, a cringey thought of morning breath flashed through her mind, something that had, enviably, never been an issue for her girlfriend (Lorna suspected that her fancy fake teeth had something to do with it), but the thought was instantly dispelled when Nicky kissed her back with just as much enthusiasm. 

Eventually, Lorna pulled away for air, but not without tugging at Nicky’s lower lip with her teeth, eliciting a cute little whine from the blonde. But Nicky had other plans. She engulfed the smaller woman in her arms and rolled over, so that Lorna was on her back with the blonde hovering above her. 

The sudden action made Lorna let out a squeal of surprise which seemed to amuse the other woman who promptly broke out in laughter. 

“Serves you right,” she said with a mirthful grin. “‘s what you get for being so fucking - uh, what’s the word - so fucking _chipper_ at such an ungodly hour. That shit… that shouldn’t fucking be allowed, man. I… I mean, how can you … Like… _how_ ’s that even possible? You early-fucking-morning riser people like you are scary, you know?” 

“Oh, shush,” Lorna replied, feeling a mixture of indignation and amusement. “Go back to sleep, you can’t even form a coherent sentence, hon.” 

With that, Lorna grabbed Nicky’s cheeks in her hands and unceremoniously pushed her face down to her chest. The blonde didn’t fight back; instead, she turned her head so that her cheek came to rest on Lorna’s chest, and with a sigh, she closed her eyes and snuggled up to her, and Lorna ran her hands through her impossible mane of hair to brush it out of her face. 

Suddenly, the brunette found herself overcome by a surge of love and the desire to protect the girl that was cuddled up to her. One hand still raking through her hair, she wrapped her other arm tightly around her shoulders and leant in to drop a series of quick little kisses to the top of her head. 

“I love you, Nicky,” she said in between kisses. “Oh God, I love you so much!”

 

* * *

 

Nicky closed her eyes, enjoying the feel of Lorna’s lips and her gentle fingers against her scalp, and, suddenly, the realization hit her like a brick. 

She was loved. The one thing that she’d thought she could never have. And it wasn’t because she had money, or drugs, or connections or whatever else that people could take advantage of. And not just by anyone, either. She was loved for who she was, by the woman that she’d spent such a long time yearning for, and who had seemed so far out of her reach. And now this very woman was here with her, holding her so lovingly, and it was so different from what she’d expected her life after Litchfield to be like, a mere continuation of her old life filled with loneliness and drugs. And maybe it was because her mind was still so addled with doziness, but she suddenly found herself overwhelmed with emotion. 

An involuntary sniffle escaped her and, for a hot fleeting moment, it washed her over with embarrassment. But then, strangely, she found that it was okay. She was safe with Lorna. There was no need to pretend in front of her. 

And the brunette reacted instantly, cupping her face in her hands and lifting her head so that she could look her in the eye. 

“Baby, what’s wrong?” she asked, sounding worried and wiping her thumbs across her wet cheeks. 

“Nothing,” Nicky reassured her. “It’s just… I’m… I’m happy.” 

Taking a shuddering breath, the blonde tried to collect herself. Even though they were nothing but the truth, hearing these words out of her own mouth seemed unreal, as if they were something that wasn’t meant for her to say. Something for other people only. People that weren’t fucked-up and undeserving like she was. 

“ _You_ make me happy,” she added, fiercely outfighting that nasty voice that reminded her of her unworthiness. 

Lorna responded with a warm smile. And for a split second, Nicky could’ve sworn that she’d seen a mischievous glint in her eye, but before it could fully register, Lorna flipped them around again. 

It was a pleasant sort of surprise that provoked Nicky to cast a challenging glance up at the girl, but all composure abandoned her when the brunette deliciously ground her center into hers, making her tremble in her arms. 

“And can make you even happier,” Lorna growled into her ear. “Let me show you.”


	14. Stars

One of Piper’s first projects after Alex had finally been released from prison was to plan a proper wedding party. And, of course, since Chapman was being Chapman, she’d just _had_ to go all back-to-the-roots and nature-y and rent a barn in the middle of bumfuck nowhere.

Even though Piper kept insisting that almost all her friends had abandoned her after she’d cheated on her poor sod of an ex-fiancé, the place ended up packed with people, the cacophony of music and incessant chatter, and the smell of alcohol and body odor. It was no surprise that Lorna eventually voiced the desire to go outside for a breath of fresh air.

The coolness of the unfamiliarly clean night air proved to be a welcome change, so much so that Nicky wished that she could stay forever like that, lying on a bench a little off the barn, with her head in Lorna's lap, while the fingers of the brunette idly played with her hair.

“You can really see the stars out here,” Lorna remarked. “So beautiful.”

Nicky lazily blinked her eyes open. The sky in this place was much clearer than it would ever get in the midst of the city where they lived, and it made way for the unfamiliar view of a regular plethora of stars. In fact, the blonde could hardly remember the last time she’d seen so many. Probably when she’d been traveling as a girl and too busy chasing parties and drugs to care. Litchfield had changed that mindset.

The stars were so well visible that she could actually recognize a few constellations, and she let her gaze wander until she found what she was looking for.

“There’s the North Star,” she said.

“How can you tell?” Lorna asked skeptically.

Nicky shifted her head a little so that she could see the sky more from Lorna’s point of view. She took Lorna’s hand into hers and lifted it up.

“See this constellation here?” she asked, pointing Lorna's hand at it. “That really bright one that’s boxy at the bottom-” She connected four stars into a quadrangular shape with both their hands as she spoke. “-and then goes up there?” She traced a curvy line pointing upwards comprised of three more stars. “That’s the Big Dipper.”

“That sounds kinda naughty.”

The comment came out of left field and Nicky let out an involuntary snort that turned into a coughing fit.

“It’s a _ladle_ ,” she explained, slightly panting, once she’d regained her composure. “See, this part up _here_ , that’s the handle, alright.” Taking Lorna's hand again, she started to re-trace the shape. “And that part down _there_ , that’s the bowl. So, when you take _these_ two stars at the front of the bowl and draw a line through them that’s five times their distance-” She drew an imaginary line in the sky until she reached a particularly bright star. “-then you get to the North Star. That’s where North is.”

“Oh,” Lorna said, clearly impressed, and it encouraged Nicky to keep going.

“Curiously,” she began. “the North Star’s also the tip of the handle of the _Little_ Dipper. Oh, _fuck’s sake!_ ” she interrupted herself exasperatedly when Lorna broke into a giggle. “Would you cut that out if I called them Great and Little _Bear_?”

“Aww, that’s so cute. But wasn't it a _ladle_ just now? How can a ladle become a bear?”

Nicky couldn’t help but chuckle to herself. Lorna’s voice was filled with an almost childlike sort of curious fascination that was just too adorable. And yet, it made her feel a pang of guilt. She’d grown up in a house that pretty much had its own library and with access to any private school that money could buy you into. She’d ended up throwing away all the opportunities that had come along with that, but Lorna never even had these chances in the first place. The next moment, she wondered if this thought made her a classist asshole just like the people that had begotten her.

The thing was, Nicky couldn’t care less that Lorna didn’t know these things. What she valued most about her was something that no book could teach. It was the way she cared, the way she could make the swirling darkness in her, Nicky's, mind go away, the way she was _home_. It was what had driven Nicky to her after she’d had experienced all that fucked-up shit that that psycho Piscatella had done and the arguments down in the bunker had become too much. When she’d been practically fleeing from that place, her mind had been fully taken in by the notion that she’d have to make it to Lorna. If she could only get to her, everything would be alright. And, indeed, once she’d found her in the Pharmacy, she’d been able to breathe again and to finally find some peace of mind.

She guided Lorna’s hand down to herself and blew a soft kiss on each knuckle, before she flung herself into reciting the tale of Callisto and Arcas.

“Are you cold, honey?” Lorna asked a few minutes later.

The soft voice of her girlfriend made Nicky snap out of her world of mythological tales. There was no denying that it was getting chilly lying almost motionless in a cool summer night breeze, but she’d been so absorbed in her story that she hadn’t noticed that she had her arms tightly wrapped around herself and her face burrowed into Lorna’s belly for warmth.

“C’mon,” Lorna said, rubbing her shoulder and smiling down at her in a way that made the blonde’s breath hitch. “Let’s go back inside.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a rough overview of what Nicky is explaining on here: <http://burro.astr.cwru.edu/Academics/Astr201/Spring/Spring.html>.
> 
> Many thanks again to junkienicky!


	15. Acceptance

“Hey, kid!” Nicky beamed as she left the building and her eyes caught Lorna and little Carmine in his stroller who were picking her up from work as they’d discussed earlier that day. She hugged the shorter woman and leant in to kiss her on the cheek, but before her lips could make the contact, Lorna gently pushed her away. Confused and wondering if she’d done anything wrong, the blonde frowned at her girlfriend.

“Ah, you must be her friend,” came the voice of the small elderly woman that was standing next to Lorna, and Nicky saw the girl blush and shrink back a little.

“I’m Phyllis,” said the woman and Nicky was still so busy trying to make sense of the situation that all she could do was wordlessly shake the hand that Phyllis extended to her.

“Well, I’ve got to be on my way,” Phyllis continued merrily before she turned to Lorna. “It was a pleasure talking to you, my dear. Give the husband my warmest regards.”

Lorna just nodded, shrinking back some more and blushing to her roots.

“The fuck was _that_?” Nicky asked once the old woman was out of earshot. “No, wait, I get it – so, you had a chat and you told her that I was just a _friend_ and concocted some bullshit about a _husband_?”

Lorna’s lips moved, but no sound came out. Apparently, this was one of those moments in which she was overwhelmed by Nicky’s reaction and ended up frozen. It eerily reminded the blonde of that time in the Litchfield cafeteria, not all too long ago, when she’d confessed to the smaller woman that she loved her and could no longer bear being used and getting dropped over and over again. But now, Lorna didn’t need to speak. The look on her face said it all.

Nicky’s head was spinning. Was this another delusion of hers, Christopher all over again? Was she still hanging on to the dream of that picture-perfect family – a husband, two kids, a dog and a house in the suburbs with a fucking white picket fence around it? She could feel her slip away, as though she could lose her at any moment to the next best guy who’d come her way, because a relationship with _any_ man would be just so much easier and so much more presentable.

“Why?” Nicky asked. It came out broken and she hated herself for it. “You’re not with Vince anymore, remember? Or is that still what you want, huh? To be with some guy? Cause being with some pathetic fucking fool of a dyke’s not good enough? Or too shameful, huh? Is that it?”

“No, no, it’s not!” Lorna finally found her voice. She seemed to be on the verge of tears and Nicky would have wanted to hug it away if she hadn’t been so upset herself.

“It’s really not!” Lorna repeated. “I… I don’t know why I said that! We were just talking and I… I dunno… it just… it just kinda… _happened_. Oh my God, I’m fucking this up again, am I?”

It broke Nicky’s heart to see Lorna so distressed, almost fearful even, and in spite of the hurt, the knowledge that it was her who had done this washed her over with a searing hot wave of self-disgust.

She took a deep grounding breath. “No, you’re not,” she said, placing a hand on Lorna’s shoulder and trying to sound more assured than she felt.

Lorna immediately flung her arms around the blonde and squeezed her so tightly that Nicky thought her ribs would break.

“Yes, I am!” the brunette sobbed into her shoulder. “And I’m so sorry! I know I’m fucking stupid, but this… you know… _this_ … being… being with… with… a _woman_ …” She said the last word in a half-whisper. “Out _here_ … This is still so strange to me. I know it shouldn’t and I… I love you. I love you _so much_. I really do, but I feel like I ain’t got a clue what I’m doing all the time, and then I see you and you’re always so cool about it and I wonder, _‘How’s she doing that?’_ and… Oh, I’m rambling and I’m awful and I’m _sorry_!”

On the inside, Nicky let out a weary sigh as she held Lorna closer to herself and calmingly rubbed her back.

“It wasn’t always easy for me, either,” she confessed.

And it was true. She thought back to the time when all the girls in her year had started to crush on boys and how confused she’d been because she just wouldn’t _get_ it. To combing through one of her parents’ medicine books, thinking that something was wrong with her, and finally coming across the term ‘lesbian’ - but not knowing what to do with this revelation as she’d felt that she’d had no-one to talk about it. To trying not to look too much at _that girl_ in her History class at a time when all those shitty brats at school had found it oh-so fucking hilarious to use ‘gay’ as a slur. Eventually, she’d just… sort of owned it, pretty much, as she’d adopted a general stance of _‘I don’t give a fuck’_ that essentially lasted until now. These were all things that she’d never told Lorna, and the girl was still at the beginning of this process, and, unlike her, someone who very much _did_ give a fuck about other people’s opinions. Nicky understood that it must be hard for the other woman who, after all, had never needed to deal with any of that outside of prison where lesbian relationships were nothing out if the ordinary. She really did. But it still hurt like hell.

“Let’s go home, kid,” she suggested, putting a hand on the small of Lorna’s back and gently nudging her on. “We’ve got stuff to talk about.”

  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I think that, by and large, their relationship has so far been very idyllic in this fic, I wanted to do a chapter in which there's some sort of conflict between Nicky and Lorna. More fluff is coming your way, though.


	16. Holding

A somewhat nauseating shaking sensation forced Nicky from one world into another. A world that was dark and numb and only gradually coming into focus. And that was suddenly filled with Lorna’s irritated voice.

“Finally!” the brunette groaned. “Go see Carmine, will ya?”

As Nicky’s senses adapted to her surroundings, sharp cries from out of the baby monitor on the nightstand reached her ears.

“Your son’s cryin’ an’ you wake _me_ up to check on ‘im?” Nicky mumbled, voice heavy with sleep, as she tried to make sense of the situation. “Jesus, what kinda mother are you?”

“Before sunrise, he’s _your_ son.”

“Did you just quote _The Lion King_ to me? Seriously?”

Lorna let out a non-committal sort of noise. “I just wanna sleeeeep!” she whined.

“But what if he’s hungry? _You’re_ the one with the titty juice.”

“I fed him ten minutes ago.”

 _Ridiculous exaggeration_ , Nicky thought, but her urge to say it out loud was deflected by Lorna who was now making half-hearted attempts at pushing her out of the bed with both her hands and feet.

“Okay, _okay_ , I’m going!” the blonde said hurriedly, rolling her eyes, as she ungracefully rolled out of bed and got to her feet. “ _Jesus!_ ”

Slightly shivering against the sudden cold and stumbling with remaining drowsiness, she made her way to Carmine’s room.

The glow of Carmine’s night light was soft and warm, and yet, it made Nicky’s unaccustomed eyes squint a little. She walked over to the crib where the boy was lying, still screaming his head off.

“Now, Kit, what do you want?” Nicky asked as she lifted the toddler out of the crib and held him to her chest.

Carmine leant into her and rested his pudgy cheek against her shoulder. The moment the contact was made, the crying stopped.

“Just wanna be held, huh?” Nicky said and, lightly turning her upper body from side to side, started to walk back and forth in the small room. “Yeah, I get that.”

A warm feeling overcame the blonde. She might whine and complain about waking up at night and changing diapers and all those other rather unpleasant tasks that were part of raising a child, but the truth was that being able to do this meant everything to her. There had been a time, after that shitshow of a prison riot, when she’d been certain that she’d never see Lorna again, let alone her kid, and even after their reunion, she hadn’t dared to hope that she’d ever get to play a bigger role in Carmine’s life than that of ‘Auntie Nicky’. And now, here she was, having the incredible privilege of being on Lorna’s side as they were raising this little boy together as ‘Mamma’ and ‘Mom’.

Eventually, the child started to feel heavier in her arms and when she checked on him, he was fast asleep. Carefully, as to not wake him up, Nicky eased him back into his crib. She kept standing there for a while, smiling as she watched over him and took in his sweet innocent features (he favored Lorna, thank goodness) and the way his tiny chest was rising and falling. He was a little miracle, and she shook her head at herself in disbelief as she remembered how she’d once told Lorna that she hated kids – which pretty much was still true, just that the little boy in front of her had proven to be the exception to the rule.

With some reluctance, Nicky turned her eyes off him and tiptoed back to Lorna’s and her bedroom. When she slipped underneath the bedsheets, she noted that Lorna had rolled onto her other side, her back turned to her, and was in deep slumber.

“You too, eh?” Nicky murmured and inched towards the other woman until her front was touching her back. “Alright.”

Smuggling up to her, she wrapped an arm around her waist and pressed a kiss to her shoulder before she rested her face against the back of her head and closed her eyes.


	17. Rain

“Well, that wasn’t so bad, was it?”

As the couple was walking down the busy street, Lorna happily swung back and forth the bags that contained her latest purchases. Nicky might groan and grumble at the prospect of going shopping with her, but Lorna couldn’t be fooled. Even if she wasn’t keen on the shopping itself, the blonde couldn’t possibly pass on the opportunity to ogle her girlfriend as she was dressing and undressing and presenting herself in various new outfits. Lorna had been well aware of this ever since that memorable day when they’d been playing dress-up during the prison job fair.

Nicky responded with a nondescript sort of grunt, but it did nothing to change Lorna’s mood.

“What? It’s really been great,” Lorna insisted blissfully. “I’ve found those two _gorgeous_ dresses on sale and it’s _such_ a nice day even though you kept insisting that it would rain. Can you imagine if we’d spent this whole day holed up inside?”

“Don’t fucking say it,” Nicky warned. “You’re only speaking it into existence.”

Lorna shook her head at her girlfriend. “Oh my God, you’re such a pessimistic – _what?_ ” she interrupted herself when she saw Nicky flinch.

“There was a drop of rain. Fucking A, Morello, now you’ve jinxed it.”

Lorna rolled her eyes in a huff, certain that Nicky had just imagined it. But the brunette was forced to give in a few moments later when she felt a raindrop on her own cheek. And another one. And another one. But she tried to pretend that it wasn’t happening. As much as she appreciated it that Nicky was so often right, there were situations, just like this, in which it was straight up infuriating. If she was honest to herself, a reason for it was that, if Nicky was right this time, she’d have to face the fact that her carefully styled hairdo would be history really soon.

The moment she’d finished the thought, however, there was a roll of thunder not far away, and suddenly, a right gush of rain streamed down on them. 

All around the pair, people cried out in surprise and started to wildly run around, bumping into them, to escape the downpour. Nicky grabbed Lorna’s hand and, together, they dashed down the street, trying to dodge the dozens of people that were coming their way. 

“Fuuuuuck!” Nicky exclaimed when she stepped at full speed into a deep puddle and Lorna felt the water splash up her bare calf. 

As they kept sprinting, Lorna wondered if Nicky was really intending to run all the way to their car. It was still several blocks away and Lorna doubted that they could keep up this speed. Nicky seemed to have come to a similar conclusion as she veered to the left where they found shelter underneath a roofed shopping window. 

Lorna moved close to the building, trying to get as far away from the rain as possible. She set her bags to the ground and secured them between her legs. Nicky, on the other hand, stepped out of her shoe and turned it upside-down. 

“Man, look at this shit,” the blonde said, laughing out sarcastically. “There’s fucking water coming out!” 

Lorna couldn’t help but cringe as Nicky crouched down to put her soppy shoe back on, glad for now that she was wearing sandals. But she didn’t fail to notice that the blonde’s footwear wasn’t the only thing that was drenched. In a way that made Lorna infallibly think of the countless times that they’d shared the shower, Nicky’s hair was completely soaked and dripping, with wet strands that were messily clinging to her skin. As Nicky rose back to her full height, Lorna’s gaze fell onto a drop of water that was trickling down her neck, leaving behind a trail of wetness, to disappear inside the collar of her shirt. The sight made Lorna’s center painfully throb and, in dire need for some instant release, she grabbed Nicky’s cheeks in her hands and crashed her lips against hers. 

Taken aback, Nicky let out a surprised yelp into Lorna’s mouth and it turned the brunette on even more. Refusing to let her go, she wound one arm tightly around Nicky’s shoulders and curled the fingers of her other hand into her hair, holding her in place. Nicky, in turn, quickly recovered from the initial shock and, as her lips and tongue endeavored to gain dominance, her hands trailed further and further down Lorna’s body until they grasped her butt cheeks to press the brunette’s body closer to hers. 

Their kiss was long and heated and it was only their need for air that made them separate eventually. As they both struggled for breath, Lorna took in the sight of Nicky with intent eyes. The blonde looked dazed, but her eyes were shining and there were bright red smudges of lipstick smeared all around her lips. Lorna couldn’t help but grin smugly, relishing the fact that she’d done this. 

She reached over and gently brushed some wet hair out of Nicky’s face, and the blonde took it as a sign to spring back into action. And as Nicky drew her in to instigate another passionate kiss, Lorna wished more than ever to get home, for reasons that had nothing to do with the rain.

 


	18. Loca

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so, I have chapters for this up to 22 laid out and mostly written already. Not all of these chapters are happy ones (but, fear not, some are), so I feel that I need to say that if anything in these chapters reminds you of stuff we learned from The Leak, this is coincidental and I guess I apologize for that, because _urgh_.
> 
> (Seriously, I think, at least for now, in this one, I’ll just pretend that I’ve never seen that. What the fuck?) 
> 
> This being said, if anyone wants some more nice happy fluff, hit me up with ideas. I could need that. 
> 
> Also, just to clarify, this chapter here takes place in S4E9, after Lorna tells Red that Nicky is doing drugs, but before Red catches her in the shower.

As Lorna aimlessly wandered along the corridors, her thoughts kept circling around one topic, like they did so often these days. 

After that bright, glorious day when they’d finally reunited, she had to come to the painful realization that Nicky had returned from Max as a different person. Even though they’d been rather blunt, almost aggressive even, the blonde’s initial attempts at getting into her pants hadn’t really given Lorna reason for concern yet, but soon enough, it had become obvious that Nicky was using again. Fueled by anger and disappointment, Lorna hadn’t hesitated to point it out to Red, and that was when Nicky had started to give her the cold shoulder, surrounded by a frighteningly uncharacteristic aura of coldness and hostility. That wasn’t how Lorna had imagined their time together, this precious second chance, at all, and she wondered how horrible a place Max must be to cause such a change.

But maybe, Lorna mused, Nicky was acting like that simply because she begrudged her the happiness of being married. That had to be it, she decided, and, really, the woman had some nerve. Lorna did appreciate some jealousy (after all, it shows that you care), but Nicky couldn’t seriously think that she had dibs on her after making it abundantly clear that her _‘I do’_ had meant fuck-all. How could it be anything else when she’d been so readily able to sacrifice any time that they could’ve spent together for just one lousy baggie of heroin? Abandoning her like that, that wasn’t a way you treat somebody that you claim to love. And now Nicky was pissed because she couldn’t fuck her? Yeah, that only proved that she, Lorna, had never been more to her than just a walking sex toy. But, no, Sir, those days were over.

Normally, when thinking of Nicky became too painful, Lorna’s thoughts would seek comforting refuge in Vinnie. Unfortunately, this was a whole other can of worms these days. It was as if all of her relationships had suddenly gotten cursed, doomed to turn into the opposite of what they’d once been and to crumble between her fingers, and there was nothing she could do but helplessly watch. It was scary and she wished that somebody would hold her and tell her that everything would be okay.

Her feet had carried her to the salon. With a sad sigh, Lorna came to a stop and peered inside. A group of Latinas was occupying the seats, and, judging by their gestures (they were speaking Spanish), they were animatedly discussing articles from the gossip magazines in their hands. The absence of Sophia lay heavy in the air. Another of the many changes that had happened in those past few months and it felt just so _wrong_.

And then, one of the Latinas, a tall and quite aggressive-looking woman, looked up from her magazine and her gaze fell onto Lorna.

“Ey, whatchu lookin’ at?” Aggro barked, then grinned at her companions, before she rose to her feet and slowly walked over to Lorna. One of the other women, who wore a ponytail and whom Lorna saw only from behind, whispered to a third with wavy hair and rather prominent cheeks, and Lorna balled her fists in anger; people starting to whisper once she appeared had never boded well.

“Lorna la Loca!” Cheeks exclaimed, and it rung in Lorna’s ears. Ponytail said something back and they both broke out in a cackle.

It stung, but Lorna couldn’t say she was surprised. Ever since Christopher had outed her as a stalker to a roomful of people, the Latinas in particular hadn’t lived it down, so that, by now, she’d become a sort of urban legend in Spanish Harlem with an ever-growing web of increasingly nasty rumors around her. No-one ever dared to say anything when others were around, but whenever Lorna was on her own, like now, the whispers, grimaces and open name-calling were constant companions.

Aggro’s grin broadened. “You better get the fuck out, _puta loca_ ,” she hissed. She was towering over Lorna, but the shorter woman stood her ground.

“You can’t fucking tell me what to do,” she snarled, trying to sound braver than she was and looking Aggro dead in the eye. “I’ve got a right to be here just like you.”

“Oh yeah?”

With that, Aggro pushed hard against Lorna’s shoulders. The impact made Lorna lose her balance and she stumbled back a few steps. Behind Aggro, Cheeks and Ponytail were roaring with laughter.

“Whatcha gonna do, crazy, huh?” Aggro taunted her and gave her another shove that made her stumble some more. “Kill my fiancée?” Laughing derisively, she pushed her again. “C’mon, Lorna la Loca, do something mad!”

“Hey, the _fuck_ you think you’re doing?”

Everyone turned their heads towards that wrathful voice. It belonged to Nicky who had turned up in the corridor, and Lorna wished that the ground would open up and swallow her whole. The blonde had a way of showing up whenever she was at her most humiliated, and Lorna wasn’t sure if it was a blessing or a curse.

Nicky looked positively furious. Her hair was as unkempt as never before and her cold eyes were staring daggers at Aggro who let out a snort, but then backed away.

And then, for a split second, Nicky’s eyes met Lorna’s, and there was a glimpse of something familiar. Something that sent Lorna back to those stairs where she was desperately holding on to Nicky who was looking at her in that way that said _, ‘I’ve got you. I’m here for you. You’re safe with me.’_

_‘I do.’_

But then, Nicky rolled her eyes, and the moment was over.

“What?” the blonde scoffed at Lorna, and, without another look back, she walked into the salon, by Aggro’s side.


	19. Accepting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is for the reader who asked for the talk that Nicky announced at the end of "Acceptance" (chapter 15 of this). So, yeah, this is a continuation of that chapter. It also turned out longer than I’d expected, but I guess you probably don’t mind.
> 
> Many thanks to junkienicky once again!

Numbly walking down the street on Nicky’s side, Lorna gripped the handle of Carmine’s stroller so hard that her hands hurt, but she welcomed the pain as it drowned out the feeling of dread that was rapidly growing in her stomach. Every once in a while, she felt Nicky’s eyes on her, but neither woman said a word until they arrived in their apartment.

Wanting to put off the inevitable for as long as possible, the brunette took her sweet time dressing her son out of his jacket and shoes and carrying him into the living room where she eased him into his playpen. It was a hum of Nicky’s that reminded her of what was to come and she decided, right there, that it would hurt less if she took the matter into her own hands.

“It’s okay, I’m going,” she mumbled and rose to her full height.

“ _Going?_ The fuck are you talking about?”

Lorna couldn’t bring herself to look at Nicky. “Well, you’re breaking up with me, aren’t you?” she said to her feet, tears prickling behind her eyes.

“No, I’m not,” Nicky said and her voice sounded much softer. “No way. C’mere.”

Taking a steeling breath, Lorna finally turned around. Nicky was sitting on the couch, looking concerned. The brunette swallowed, then slowly, hesitantly walked over to the couch where she gingerly sat down. Nicky immediately wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her to herself.

“I’m not breaking up with you, kid,” she said warmly and gave her a kiss on the side of the head. “I’d never. What the hell makes you think that, huh?”

Nicky was so sweet, but it only made Lorna hate herself more.

“I d-don’t deserve you,” she sniffled and sank into Nicky, not because she wanted to but because she suddenly felt as if she’d lost all energy to move. “You should be with someone who makes you feel good. And who’s proud to be with you.”

“And you’re not?”

The hurt and fear were evident in Nicky’s voice and it felt like a stab right into Lorna’s heart. Was she implying that she didn’t know that she loved her? That she meant the world to her? That she could no longer imagine life without her? Oh God, she had to make this right, she thought, suddenly overcome with panic, and she frantically gripped at Nicky’s shirt, scared that the blonde would vanish into thin air the moment she let go of her.

“Of course I am!” she exclaimed. “But I should be able to show that, shouldn’t I? I should be fucking able to call you my g-girlfriend without… getting scared and shit, ‘cause… ‘cause that’s what you _are_ … Aren’t you?” she added uncertainly, suddenly aware that they’d never officially asked each other to be girlfriends and fearing that she might have interpreted their relationship wrong this whole time.

Nicky let out a chuckle. “Yeah, of course I am,” she reassured her before she dropped a kiss to her forehead. “If that’s what _you_ want,” she added, and Lorna violently nodded her head in response.

“Good,” Nicky said, brushing some hair out of Lorna’s face. “And now that that’s settled, I get that you’re scared, alright? This is all new for you and, yeah, there _are_ homophobic assholes out there, and it takes some time to wrap your head around it all. Trust me, I haven’t always been comfortable with it, either. But, you see, uh, at the end of the day, we’re just living our lives, doing our thing, alright. It’s not any different from other people’s relationships, really. So, if anyone’s got a problem with that, it’s them who disqualify themselves, not us. And if anyone thinks that us being together is _dirty_ or _wrong_ somehow, well, just look at how many straight couples are fucking each other over, or, speaking of fucking, since they like it so much to make it just about the sex, uh, have a random piece of hetero porn, if you will, and then tell me again that what we do is somehow worse. And now that my mind’s gone _there_ , I wanna take a nice big bottle of bleach straight to my brain, thank you very much.”

“Nuh-uh, you still need your brain,” Lorna couldn’t help but giggle and patted Nicky’s head. Nicky, in turn, smiled and then took a deep breath, calming herself down.

“The point is,” the blonde added more gravely. “I’d never expect you to do anything you’re not comfortable with, okay? We have all the time in the world to figure this out. So, if you wanna take this slow, that’s fine with me.”

Lorna nodded and allowed herself to sink into Nicky once again, out of relief this time. She hugged her to herself and closed her eyes, calmed by the secure feeling of Nicky’s arms around her, but she found that there was still something that was eating at her.

“Can I be honest with you?” she asked.

“Yes, _please_ ,” Nicky responded.

Lorna swallowed nervously. “I… I don’t think I see myself as a lesbian. Or bi even. I mean… I mean… Please don’t think that I’m saying that ‘cause I want an easy way out, it’s just… I’m really not sure if I… like,… well,… girls in general or… or if it’s just,… y’know,… if it’s just… _you_.”

Nicky soothingly ran her hand through Lorna’s hair before she started to speak.

“Hey, that’s okay,” she began. “There’s no need for you to slap a label on yourself. Unless you want one. And that goes for me, too. _You_ get to choose what we call each other. _And_ what we _do_ out there, too, alright? Like I said, we’ve got time. As long as I know where we stand, we don’t have to call each other things or go all-in with the PDA, alright? But, kid, that’s stuff I need to _know_ about.”

“I love you,” Lorna said firmly and leant in to give Nicky a kiss on the cheek. “And, you know,” she added with a smile. “To be honest, I’ve always thought of you as _my Nicky_.”

Nicky smiled back. “So, that means that I’m _your Nicky_ and you’re _my Lorna_?”

“Yeah, I’m yours.”

Smiling even wider, Nicky pushed the smaller woman onto her back and leant in for a kiss that Lorna eagerly responded to. But when the brunette felt Nicky’s hand underneath her shirt, she gently pushed at her chest. Nicky looked up at her and Lorna felt a pang when she saw that her eyes were bearing a hint of the same confusion from when she had deflected her kiss earlier.

“Not in front of the little one,” Lorna hastily explained and tucked a strand of hair behind Nicky’s ear.

“Oh,” Nicky said as it dawned on her that it was different this time. “Right.”

Careful to keep one reassuring arm tightly wrapped around the blonde, Lorna sat up, then sank her teeth into Nicky’s neck, smirking as she sucked harshly at her skin. When her work was done, she soothed the fresh bruise with her tongue before she pressed a soft kiss to it.

“And in case you have doubts,” she said. “this should remind you that I want you to be mine.”


	20. Blackout

It was already late in the evening on this October day when Nicky came home after a stressful shift of work. She cursed the end of the summer for the fact that, every day, the sun was now setting notably sooner. Today appeared to be a particularly dark evening, or maybe it only seemed that way to her tired eyes. Eyes for which too much light would only be painful right now, so, when she entered the building of her apartment, she didn’t bother to turn on the light and rather awkwardly ascended the stairs in the dark instead. 

She expected brightness when she opened the apartment door, but when she stepped inside, all there was was more darkness, except for an unfamiliar warm glow from out of the living room. For a brief moment, Nicky wondered if Lorna had fallen asleep in front of the TV, but then she realized that it was way too silent for that. 

When she peered into the room, she found her girlfriend seated on the couch, scribbling into what appeared to be a notebook that was lying on the coffee table, with a number of tea lights in front of her. 

“In a romantic mood, I see,” Nicky said playfully and entered the room with some extra swagger in her step. 

Lorna looked up from her book and sat up straight. 

“Well, actually, there’s a blackout.” 

“Oh.” 

What a fucking twist that it was now her, not Lorna, who was thinking of the romantic shit. Now that she was closer to the table, Nicky also realized that what Lorna had been hunched over was a coloring book with a quantity of colored pencils scattered around it. Yep, that was about as unromantic as it could get. 

“What’s with that coloring book?” Nicky decided that she needed to know. 

“Oh, that’s from my blackout kit.” 

“A blackout kit? Damn, I didn’t even know we had such a thing.” 

“Well, I like to be prepared for emergencies like this,” Lorna explained. “We often had our electricity cut off when my parents couldn’t pay the bill, you know. Look,-” She pointed at a plastic container by the leg of the table. “-there’s flashlights and batteries and glowsticks and a deck of cards…” 

Nicky felt her insides squirm uncomfortably. She was aware that, when Lorna was growing up, the Morellos’ financial situation had been less than rosy, which, of course, was nothing to be ashamed of or anything, but it was such a stark fucking contrast to how she, Nicky, had grown up. So, instead of giving a response, the blonde walked over to the window and looked outside. Instead of the familiar lights from the buildings on the other side of the street, she was met with utter darkness. 

“It’s not just us, huh?” she concluded. 

“Yeah, that’s a shame,” Lorna said airily. “I would’ve loved to see you fix it. I always thought you looked hot with that utility belt of yours.” 

Nicky smirked. “Well, if you’re having the hots, I can help you with that.” She sat next to the brunette and let her hand glide to the girl’s inner thigh. “Let’s put this atmosphere to good use-” 

Lorna snatched Nicky’s hand away from her leg and locked fingers with her. “Jeez, is that all you think about?” she asked, but not without a smile. 

“Hey, don’t twist things around, Morello,” Nicky warned her. “ _You’re_ the one who gets off from my belt, remember?” 

“No, really,” Lorna said, stroking the back of Nicky’s hand with her thumb. “How did _you_ pass the time as a kid when there was a blackout? Did you never do blanket forts or shadow plays or horror stories?” 

Nicky glared at her incredulously. 

“Who the fuck should I have done this with? My dear old bioparents were never there, not that they would ever have taken part in those things, and they always made sure to hire nannies that were all kinds of no fun.” 

“Did you ever want siblings?” 

Nicky actually snorted at that. “What, more of me? Oh, yeah, Marka would’ve loved that.” 

If Nicky had expected that this depressing thought would put a damper to Lorna’s mood, she’d been mistaken. Unexplicably, the girl’s face only lit up. 

“Well, let’s build a fort!” Lorna beamed, hitting her thighs with determination. 

“Wait, what?” Nicky gaped at her. “A fort? Uh, no offense, but I think we may be just a _tiny_ bit too old for that shit.” 

“Aw, one is never too old for a blanket fort,” Lorna said, jumping to her feet. “C’mon, move the table-” She pointed at the coffee table. “-to the side and put the chairs here, will you?” And with that, she practically skipped out of the room. 

Nicky couldn’t believe it, but, despite herself, she did as told. When she was done, Lorna returned with her arms full of pillows and blankets. 

The brunette arranged the chairs and started to drape blankets all over them, securing her construction with pillows and cushions. When Nicky understood what she was aiming at, she helped her, and a few minutes later, the fort was completed. Nicky put a comforter and some more pillows inside whereas Lorna added her blackout kit, a bowl of popcorn and, to Nicky’s great amusement, her coloring book. 

“Hm, cozy,” Nicky admitted once they’d crawled inside and leant back on her forearms. 

“Yeah, it’s like camping, just without the creepy-crawlies,” stated Lorna, who was sitting to her feet, and Nicky could see what she meant. With some imagination, she could pretend that they were in a tent underneath the night sky and that the tea lights that were still sitting on the cofee table near the opening of their fort were a campfire. What was missing was some S’mores and- 

“Ready for a story?” Lorna asked, grinning broadly. 

Nicky helped herself to a handful of popcorn and gave a shrug. “Yeah, shoot.” 

Looking down at the blonde, Lorna turned on a flashlight, pointed it up her face from under her chin and proceeded in an adorable attempt at a low, spooky voice, 

“A pretty young girl is home alone with only her dog to protect her…”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This honestly gave me a bit of a headache because I needed to visualize their fort, which, in turn, had me consider what their living room would look like. As I hinted at in “Escape”, I think that, for a good while, Nicky and Lorna only have a very small and sparsely furnished apartment in which they eat and sleep on a sleeper sofa, so they wouldn’t really have suitable furniture such as chairs or a dining table. In the end, I decided to go with a design comprised of chairs (which is at least one of which I knew that it works and is large enough to house grown-ups; I… um… did my research on this, lol), so imagine that this is set in a time when they have a nicer place to live.
> 
> Here’s what I was thinking of: [LINK](https://momluck.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/carpet5.jpg)
> 
> Also, thanks to junkienicky for the headcanon that Lorna likes Nicky’s tool belt, lol.


	21. Honey

Once she’d finished her shower and dressed into a clean set of scrubs, Nicky collected her items and made to retreat from the bathroom, feeling that, if she could have her way, she would’ve stayed just a little longer.

The showers were a welcome refuge to her, a place where she had, if only for a couple of minutes, a space for herself and the rare chance to get away from all the noise and bustle of Max, to fill her ears with the soothing rushing of the water and to wash away all the literal and metaphorical dirt of this godforsaken place.

On her way out, however, she was, much to her annoyance, intercepted by a girl with long blonde hair that, after a moment of racking her brain, she recognized as the one that she’d seen by Deitland’s cart when she’d ordered her honey buns earlier today. Nicky tensed up, eyes flickering to the hands of the girl in search of a shiv. Call her paranoid, but the girls from Max had surely proven to be a stab-happy bunch.

But all that Honey Pot wielded was her finger which, in a way that felt rather obnoxious, she pointed straight at Nicky.

“Nichols, yeah?” the girl asked brusquely. And, without further ado, she added, “C’mon, let’s fuck.”

Taken aback by this bluntness, for a brief moment, all that Nicky could do was stare at the girl in disbelief.

“Why, aren’t you a subtle one,” she half-laughed once she’d recovered from the shock.

“Look who’s talking,” Honey Pot said, rolling her eyes. “Need a reminder that _you_ went all _‘I’d love to lick them’_ while you were ogling me like I was a fucking steak? Subtle, my ass.”

“Oh yeah?” Nicky smirked. “What makes you think that I wasn’t just talking ‘bout literal honey pots and you just so happened to be in my line of sight?”

“Oh, c’mon,” huffed the girl. “You’re _Nicky Nichols_. You screw anything that has a heartbeat.”

Nicky raised her brows. “Holding yourself in high regard, eh? See, I consider the chase to be part of the appeal, and _this_ is just too easy. So, thanks, but nah.”

And without another look back, Nicky squeezed past her and marched off towards her cell.

As she was walking, she couldn’t help but frown. Did she really have such a reputation? Granted, she’d never had a problem to find someone to fuck if she’d wanted to, and, being the junkie that she was, she sure as hell _had_ wanted to during her first stay down the hill, as this was, after all, how she’d been distracting herself from her misery of being put there. It had, in fact, reached the point where she’d become noteworthy competition to Daddy in a way that would’ve made Boo proud (and she hadn’t even needed to bring drugs into play; she might be messed up and all sorts of problematic, but at least she had morals). Despite it all, it felt really fucking uncalled for to have it spat into her face like that. The next moment, she asked herself, if it was just the truth, why was it even bothering her at all?

It was then that, for the first time, she became fully aware that the last person she’d done it with was, regrettably, that girl that she’d fucked to get back at Lorna, back in camp. It had been _months_ and she hadn’t even felt the urge in all that time. Maybe, she wondered, she was getting too old for this shit. Or maybe it was with sex just like it was with honey buns - delicious in moderation, but sickening if you had too much. That had to be the reason why she’d just passed on a fairly attractive girl despite the perfect opportunity. Boo wouldn’t have been proud of that.

Cutting through the sitting area, she passed by Lorna. The girl was sitting at a table, animatedly chatting with some other inmate, and from the chunks of conversation that reached her ears, Nicky deduced that she was describing the nice suburban house that she imagined to raise her kid in. The blonde had to admit, it was an idea that seemed more and more appealing. After all the shit that she, Nicky, had gone through, settling down and just having a nice, quiet, uneventful life with Lo-, _with her wife_ (because, yeah, as unbelievable as it might appear, at some point, she’d started to like the thought of marrying and exclusively belonging to… _someone_ ), seemed like a nice change of pace.

She quickly shook the thought out of her mind. She couldn’t let her thoughts go there. Ever. She had to follow her own advice and let go. All she was still here for was to fill the gap, keeping Lorna and the fetus safe, and being a decent person and the best friend she could be, until she got out and Vince, that lucky fucking bastard, could take over. It was a responsibility that required her to be focused on Lorna and that didn’t allow her to get distracted by mindlessly sleeping around (it just didn’t, _right_?), but it didn’t justify that she lost herself in impossible, ridiculous, fairytale-like fantasies such as this. After all, good things like that just don’t happen to people like her.

So, when that duty was fulfilled, when she’d open the next chapter of her life, maybe then the Honey Pots of this world could have a chance with her.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As much as I prefer to believe that Nicky didn’t sleep around during her first stint in Max, her being with Stella (ugh) and her comment that Daddy can’t have the girls to herself suggest otherwise, so yeah.


	22. Mole

The gnawing, anxious feeling of uncertainty was something that Lorna had never taken well to. It was the reason why waiting for something with an unknown outcome was a task that she hated with a passion, and it was also the force that now drove her out of her prison cell. 

She’d been sitting there, waiting indeed, for Nicky and the other members of the gang to return from the salon where they were supposed to take down that awful bitch Carol in hopes of finally bringing peace to Max. Lorna was proud that, just like in their former prison family, Nicky had become such a vital part of their group in virtually no time, but she didn’t like the thought of her in the field. That wasn’t to say that it wasn’t worth taking certain risks for the safety of your family, the brunette reasoned while her hands nervously felt around her baby bump, and battling on the front line was just another proof of how selfless and protective Nicky could be. But if this went wrong, Nicky could get seriously hurt or have her sentence prolonged or - _worse_. 

Feeling the irresistible urge to _do something_ , she walked over to Barb’s cell, not sure what she actually wanted from the woman. She wouldn’t dare to ask her for details of their plan. After all, it was Nicky, not her, who was close to the leader of the gang. 

When she got there, she found Barb engrossed in a conversation with Daddy, Annalisa and Vazquez. Relief washed over the brunette. The latter two were part of the salon troop, so, if they’d made it back unharmed, it surely meant that Nicky was fine, too. She was just about to turn and leave when she heard Barb call out for her. 

“Lorna, girl, don’t be so shy! Come in and join in our little discussion!” 

Feeling like she was caught in the middle of doing something outrageous, Lorna froze in her tracks. 

“Oh, uh, thank you so much, Barb,” she began nervously. “But, y’know, I really don’t wanna disturb you.” 

“You aren’t disturbing us, honey. Nah. Come, have a seat!” 

As she spoke, the older woman patted the right side of her mattress and Lorna hesitantly entered the cell. She should be flattered that Barb was offering her a place right by her side, she thought, but there was something about the atmosphere that seemed off. She wondered why Nicky wasn’t with them and, suddenly, a new surge of worry made her stomach lurch in a sickening manner. 

“We were just trying to figure out how in the world that little plan of ours could have gone so fucking wrong,” Barb explained as Lorna settled down, which actually became a necessity as she started to feel dizzy with fear. _Something had gone wrong? What the hell had happened? Was Nicky okay?_

“If the COs knew what was happening,” Vazquez said, “there must be a mole among us. There’s no other explanation.”

“Nichols,” Annalisa hissed immediately, and it sounded weirdly triumphant. “I told you she can’t be trusted, Barb. She was right at the front and she was acting weird. I think she tried to give a signal to Reznikov.” 

Cold shock replaced Lorna’s queasiness. She knew that Nicky hadn’t been too happy with the plan, but she couldn’t imagine that she’d go as far as to sell out what was now essentially their new prison family in such a heinous manner. After all, Nicky was the most loyal person she knew. Still, Lorna wished that the blonde had listened to her when she’d tried to tell her earlier to not fraternize with the enemy. As proven now, such behavior only draws unnecessary suspicion to yourself. 

“Where _is_ Nicky anyway?” Lorna couldn’t hold herself back any longer. 

“I don’t know,” said Annalisa. “But she couldn’t get away soon enough. Like a dirty rat that’s got something to hide.” 

“That’s enough!” Barb barked at her, annoyed, before she turned to Lorna. “What do _you_ say, Lorna? You know Nicky longer than any of us.” 

“Well, she _is_ close to Red,” the brunette mused, only to realize that it was a mistake when she saw the murderous glint in Annalisa’s eyes. _Fuck!_

“But that was all in the past,” she backpedaled hastily. “She’d never do anything like that. She’s one of us now.” 

“ _See?_ ” Barb turned to Annalisa. “Maybe the next time you wanna make an accusation, take a leaf out of Nicky’s book and fucking _think_ before you speak.” 

Annalisa looked like she’d been slapped in the face. The other two appeared rather rebellious, too. 

“No offense, Barb,” Daddy piped up, though it sounded like she was taking great offense, actually. “But how can you be so sure it wasn’t her? She’s new, _and_ she’s got ties to C-Block, and all you’ve got is the word of Preggo here who’s a friend of Nichols’. And look at it this way: if you say it wasn’t her, you’re basically saying it was one of us. And haven’t we always been loyal to you?” 

“You have a funny notion of ‘loyal’ sometimes,” Barb replied, but she furrowed her brow skeptically. “It would break my fucking heart if it was Nicky, you know, after I welcomed her into this family with open arms. But, you know what? Why don’t we just listen to what _she’s_ got to say about this, huh?” 

“Yeah, and let’s do it in front of everyone,” Annalisa said, licking her lips. “I want the whole gang to see her go down.” 

Suddenly, Lorna found herself gripped by a bout of panic. And her need to be with Nicky grew stronger than ever. 

“May I be excused?” she asked. “All this excitement ain’t good for my little Kitten, y’know.” 

“I’ll get Nichols,” Annalisa insisted. _Fuck, fuck, fuck!  
_

“Alright. And you two, you get the other ladies,” Barb said to Daddy and Vazquez. “We meet up in the laundry room.” 

The four younger women left the cell. Once they were out of earshot, however, Annalisa caught up with Lorna. 

“I know what you’re doing,” she hissed. “But you don’t get to warn Nichols. And the golden child may be able to fool Barb, but she can’t fool me. One wrong word and…” 

She made a throat-slitting gesture with her index finger and then marched off, leaving a stunned Lorna behind. 

Lorna couldn’t believe what she’d just witnessed. She’d always assumed that the gang wouldn’t turn against one of theirs, but she wasn’t too sure anymore. But for now, she was, in a cruel twist of irony, once again reduced to waiting and hoping, _praying_ , that Nicky would be okay. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tbh, I kind of doubt that, in the show, Lorna is actually aware of Nicky’s involvement in Barb’s plan and of what happened after. However, I hate how Lorna seems to be blindly buying into all that gang bullshit, so I used this to explore this mindset a bit, and to have her have at least some second thoughts. Plus, there needs to be a lot more worried/protective Lorna.


	23. Nightmare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I read this ([LINK](https://lorna-and-nicky-complex-love.tumblr.com/post/177384679440/this-is-random-but-i-100-believe-that-whenever)) the other day and thought I just _had_ to elaborate on it.
> 
> Or: Dear Orange writers, tearing them apart all the fucking time is just wrong, and that’s why.

A suffocating feeling of being crushed pulled Nicky out of her sleep, and she instantly knew what was happening. It was something with which she was more familiar than she would’ve liked, although these days, gratefully, it didn’t occur as often as it used to anymore.

Lorna had tucked herself snugly into her side, her head on her chest, her face burrowed into her skin, her leg draped over her and her arm clutching her as though her life depended on it. Her body was shaking and she was whimpering softly as whatever nightmare she was having was haunting her in her sleep.

The thing was, when Lorna was in such a state, it would bring out a physical strength in her that was, frankly, quite astonishing for such a small, delicate woman. And this, in turn, meant that as long as Lorna was clinging to her like that, it was flat out impossible for Nicky to go back to sleep even if she wanted to. Being held like that actually hurt and made it hard for her to breathe.

It would probably be wise to wake her up, for the sake of both of them, but Nicky just couldn’t bring herself to do it. She remembered the first couple of times when it happened. Lorna had been clasping her just like this and couldn’t be roused, and whenever Nicky had tried to wriggle out of the embrace, the brunette had only held her tighter. She’d tried to address the matter in the following morning, carefully, indirectly, as to not upset the girl. But Lorna never seemed to remember her dreams. Maybe it was the truth or maybe she found it too shameful to talk about it. Whatever the reason was, Nicky had decided to give her the space she needed and to let her open up at her own pace. When Lorna was ready to talk, Nicky would be there for her. Until then, she’d just have to put up with being clutched.

And in all honesty, she didn’t mind.

Even though it made her sad to know that Lorna needed that sort of comfort in the first place, it honored Nicky that the brunette would turn to her in these situations. It was flattering enough that she’d do it in her wakeful moments, but the pull that Lorna felt towards her was so strong that she’d even seek her out when she was unconscious, just like now. It seemed to be a natural reaction of her body, just like you’d squint when you looked into the sun or like your heartbeat would accelerate when you were excited.

In a way, Nicky found it ironic that Lorna felt so safe with her of all persons. After all, she was a junkie and thus not exactly the type of person that a lot of people were comfortable to have around. The fact that Lorna could see past that so easily made the blonde feel warm and fuzzy inside and it manifested itself in an almost physical need to always protect her and to become a better person overall. She wondered if Lorna had the slightest idea of how much this meant to her, and of the magnitude of the impact that she had on her life.

But Nicky wasn’t sure if she’d ever tell her. It was terrifying for herself that she felt such a strong bond to another person, something that she’d never been close to having, that she’d never allowed herself to have, with anyone else before, to the point where she was certain that her life would entirely fall apart if she’d ever lose it. The knowledge of it would be an incredible burden to put on Lorna’s shoulders. She couldn’t possibly do that to her.

Lorna let out another heartbreaking whimper and Nicky put her free arm, the one that wasn’t trapped between their bodies, around her.

“It’s okay, babe,” she whispered, rubbing her back, then moved her hand up to gently run her fingers through her hair. “It’s okay. You’re safe. I’m here.”

She gave her a kiss on the crown, then continued to whisper soothing words while she kept caressing her head. Gradually, Lorna calmed down and her body relaxed, and while it relieved the blonde, she couldn’t help but feel a slight sensation of loss as the girl’s grip on her became less vice-like.

“I love you, kid,” she whispered after giving her another kiss, and she closed her eyes and allowed Lorna’s steady, peaceful breathing to lull her to sleep. And with the same naturality with which Lorna had turned to her, Nicky’s arm remained securely wrapped around her for the rest of the night.


	24. Older

Huffing and puffing and breaking into a sweat, Nicky finally trudged into the living room after what had felt like a grueling, never-ending trek. No-one else was around and, for once, it suited her well as she was not in the mood to explain this thing that was filling her with a good amount of embarrassment. 

She scrambled onto the couch and struggled to find a position that was remotely comfortable. The tossing and turning occupied her mind so thoroughly that she didn’t notice Lorna coming in, and thus, she flinched when she heard her girlfriend’s voice. 

“You don’t look so good,” the brunette said and Nicky felt her approach the couch and lean over her. “Are you sick?” 

“I don’t get sick.” 

That was a blatant lie, of course. Lorna herself had nursed her back to health on various occasions before, but Nicky liked to make herself believe that it was the truth, if only for a few seconds, especially now that she was lying there pathetically in a fetal position with a pillow wedged between her knees. She was glad that she was facing the backrest of the couch, or else Lorna would see that her face was contorted with pain in addition to this undignified pose. 

And, as expected, the brunette wasn’t buying it. “Of course you don’t,” she said and her voice was dripping with sarcasm. 

Sensing that there was no point in trying to keep up the tough guy act, Nicky decided to bite the bullet. 

“Threw out my fucking back while I was clearing out Matt’s office,” she admitted, referring to her role in helping her workplace move into a different building. “Can you believe how much crap fits into one tiny little office? Yeah, man, neither can I.” 

“Aw, you poor thing,” Lorna said sympathetically as she settled onto the floor and started to rub soothing circles on Nicky’s lower back. Her touch made Nicky sigh with appreciation. She could feel the knots in her muscles as Lorna’s fingers kneaded them. 

“I’m back in a few,” the brunette said, much too soon. She pressed a gentle kiss to Nicky’s back before she scrambled to her feet and scurried away. A few moments later, she returned with something wrapped in a towel. 

“I’m giving you an ice pack,” she explained, resuming her position on the floor and lifting Nicky’s shirt. “That should make you feel better.” 

All that Nicky felt, however, was a blast of coldness when the ice pack came into contact with her skin, and despite Lorna’s warning, she couldn’t help but flinch. 

“Sorry,” said Lorna.

“‘s okay,” Nicky replied through gritted teeth, and it actually was the truth. Once she’d become accustomed to the cold, she did feel some relief, and it became even better when Lorna sat behind her on the couch and started to run the fingers of her free hand through her tangled hair and along her jawline. Despite her protests and her desire to be seen by Lorna as strong at all times, she enjoyed being taken care of by her girlfriend like this, and she closed her eyes and relaxed, giving in to the ministrations of the other woman. 

“You’re cute,” Lorna purred before she adjusted the ice pack on Nicky’s back. “Does it hurt a lot?” 

“Like my spine is broken in two. I wonder how Red keeps putting up with that shit.” 

“Is that your way of saying you’re getting old, Nichols?” 

Nicky could practically _hear_ the smirk in Lorna’s voice. 

“Oh, c’mon, you’re only one year younger than me, right? You don’t fucking get to call me old!” 

“A lot can happen in one year.” 

Lorna sounded pensive now and Nicky could tell that she was thinking along the same lines as her. 

After all, they both had witnessed how drastically life can change within just one year. Within one year, Lorna had gone from fantasizing about Christopher to marrying Vince and birthing his child. Nicky herself had journeyed from camp to Max to camp to Max, and, along the way, relapsed and gotten sober. And now, after one year of freedom, they were here, together, with jobs and their own little place, and life was good. 

“Will you still love me when I’m old?” Lorna piped up again, still sounding like she was lost in her thoughts. “And wrinkly and with saggy tits?” 

Nicky snorted inwardly. What kind of question was that? Like she’d dare to say no when she was at Lorna’s mercy like that. 

But the truth was that she couldn’t imagine a version of Lorna that she wouldn’t find beautiful. In fact, the idea of an elderly Lorna made her smile. She imagined her to be elegant and dignified and sweet, and not missing any opportunity to dote on her grandchildren and to spoil them rotten. It would be a stark contrast to herself who would surely as fuck exploit all the old-people privilege she could get and ceaselessly bitch at all those young foolish whippersnappers just because she could. And who would probably require a walker at age forty, by the look of it. 

“Always,” she said. “And you? Will you still love me if my body keeps falling apart like this?” 

“Forever,” Lorna assured her. “Can you make me a little more space?” 

Nicky shuffled closer to the backrest and Lorna lay down behind her and wrapped an arm around her waist, spooning her. 

“Is this okay?” Lorna asked.

“M-hm,” said Nicky and she placed a hand on Lorna’s arm, holding her closer, and relished the feeling of the welcoming warmth of her body.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m basing the one-year age difference on this: If the data in Luschek’s Fantasy Inmate software is accurate, Nicky is 31 in October 2013, indicating that she’s born between November 1981 and October 1982. And I believe I’ve read somewhere that Lorna is born in 1983 (on the Wiki maybe - the last time I checked, it didn’t say that anymore, but I’m almost sure it used to), though I have no idea where that year comes from.


	25. Younger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve never expected that I’d take this as far as chapter fucking 25, but here we are. Lol.  
> Big shoutout to everyone who has stuck around until now!

Lorna listlessly rearranged the slop on her tray with her spork. If she formed it into some interesting shape, she pondered, maybe she could find it appealing enough to actually try to eat it. She was just wondering if the slimy thing that was sticking out on one side used to be some sort of vegetable when Adeola sat down across from Nicky and her. 

"Have you heard the news?" the woman asked. "Some blonde do-gooder from C-Block is looking for people who wanna play kickball." 

"Are _you_ gonna play?" Lorna asked immediately, glad for the opportunity to focus on something that wasn’t her disgusting excuse for a meal. "Good for you!" she added when Adeola answered in the affirmative. "I had no idea you were into sports." 

"I am not," said Adeola. "But if I get the chance to spend less time inside of this shark pool, I will fucking take it." 

Nicky, however, was riding on a different train of thought. 

" _‘Blonde do-gooder’_ , eh?" she grinned, pointing her spork, which had a chunk of mystery meat on it, at Adeola. "Sounds like Chapman. Of course! Who else would try and bring _kickball_ into prison? _Fucking Chapman!_ " 

There was an excitement in her voice that Lorna found infectious. 

"You wanna join in?" she asked, grabbing Nicky’s arm and shaking her a little. 

"Hell, no," Nicky laughed. "If that’s the prison version of a softball team, then I’d rather watch." 

"Yeah, me neither," Lorna said, absentmindedly stirring her food with her spork and destroying the structure she had built. "I never did well in group activities." 

That, however, was only half the truth. Lorna had never been one for sports, specifically. She’d just never found it ladylike to pant and to sweat and to ruin her hair. But her lack of athleticism hadn’t escaped her classmates who had used it as yet another aspect of hers to make fun of, as if her second-hand clothes and reputation as "that weird girl" hadn’t been enough. It was something that she didn’t like to admit, but it didn’t seem necessary as Nicky was looking at her in a way that made Lorna feel as though she was reading her like an open book, and she wasn’t sure if she should feel grateful or mortified. 

"People suck, eh?" 

"Oh, it wasn’t so bad. I had my siblings, you know." 

"Lucky you," Nicky said. "I went to, like, two different middle schools and three different high schools and I swear to God, every single one of those places was chock-full of the same snobby assholes. It was all just _‘Who’s got the hippest clothes?’_ this and _‘Who’s got the biggest car?’_ that and becoming the next big thing in daddy’s soul-sucking, people-exploiting company, but God forbid you tried to have an actual conversation with any of those airheads. Best thing that could be said is that they were good to get right with. Katie Buhrmaster used to throw the sickest parties. I mean, her ape of a brother also fucked me over, like, literally, but, eh, you see where _that_ got me, right? I never found that I was fitting in anywhere really."

It was kind of sad but also comforting that, even though Nicky’s experience hadn’t been quite the same, she _understood_. Their vastly different backgrounds aside, Lorna wondered if she and Nicky could’ve been friends if they’d gone to the same school. She tried to imagine Nicky as a teenager. Surely, she’d been one of those cool, brooding girls who would always wear band tees, hide in the toilet stalls for a smoke, and mouth off to her teachers. She probably wouldn’t have hung out with a quiet, awkward girl such as herself. At least she knew that she, Lorna, most likely would’ve been too intimidated to approach someone like Nicky.

But now they were here, together, two lost souls that had found each other. Lorna found it astounding that prison of all places was where she’d finally met somebody who gave her a feeling of belonging. As she rested her head on Nicky’s shoulder, she couldn’t help but wonder if Nicky sometimes thought the same about her. She hoped she did.


	26. Open

Nicky was lying on the floor of the chapel, blasting her music to drown out her thoughts, a task that she found increasingly difficult these days. Things were just crazy fucked up.

She was so engrossed in a guitar solo of Kurt Cobain’s that she flinched when she felt a tap on her shoulder. She opened her eyes and saw Lorna crouching beside her. Of course. Hardly anyone had the guts to disturb her like that when she was in the zone, but Lorna either didn’t give a shit or knew that she was one of the select few that Nicky would allow. The blonde took out her earbuds.

"Are you okay?" Lorna asked.

"It is what it is," Nicky said dismissively and propped herself up on one elbow.

"Red told me about her plan," Lorna said.

"Cool."

"Why aren’t you taking part?"

"Because."

Lorna frowned, obviously not satisfied with these curt replies. "But don’t you wanna get rid of Pornstache, too?" she asked. "It’s because of him that Tricia’s dead, remember?"

Nicky bit her lip, feeling uneasy. She really didn’t need Lorna to remind her to maintain a bad conscience. After all, it had been her who had ousted Tricia. It might have been Red’s idea, but she was the one who had spoken the words. If it hadn’t been for her, Tricia might not have been vulnerable enough to fall prey to Pornstache. The rational part of her brain told Nicky that it hadn’t been an option, that she, too, needed the family to survive in this place. And at the time, she hadn’t known it any better and assumed that if she wouldn’t do it, she’d have to face being kicked out of the family as well. But maybe, if only she’d been stronger, they could’ve been outcasts together. She could’ve still looked after her little prison sister, just like any decent person would’ve done. And, looking back, that would’ve been a viable option even, seeing that Red hadn’t actually intended to cast her out forever.

"He also did other things," Lorna’s voice drew her back to the here and now.

_‘No surprise,’_ Nicky thought. Being a vile, disgusting piece of human garbage, that’s just what Pornstache does. But there was a darkness in Lorna’s tone that grabbed her attention.

"Whaddya mean?" she asked, more harshly than intended, and sat up straight. "Did he do something to you?"

"No," said Lorna. "I-I mean, not really. He threatened me in the van the other day ‘cause he thought I knew how Red gets stuff in. I don’t think he really meant to do something, but-"

Rage welled up inside Nicky along with a fiery desire to go and strangle Pornstache with her bare hands right there.

"That fucking asshole!" she spat, jumping to her feet.

He couldn’t get away with hurting another one. She wouldn’t allow it. And Lorna - _fuck_ , Lorna had been so fucking loyal, standing her ground against the dipshit, just for Nicky to ruin it by ratting her mother out to him without as much as blinking an eye. She had to make it up to them.

"W-where are you going?" Lorna asked, sounding alarmed and getting to her feet as well.

"I’m gonna kill the fucking bastard!"

Nicky started to walk but Lorna swiftly stepped in front of her, blocking her way.

"No, no! Please!" she begged, grabbing the blonde by the shoulders. "You’re only getting yourself into trouble, Nicky! Leave it to Red! It will be so much better if he does it to himself!"

Nicky scoffed. "Yeah. Except for the Spanish girl."

Lorna looked at her quizzically.

Nicky took a few calming breaths. "Red’s _sacrificing_ her," she explained with more patience than she’d thought she could possibly muster. "Yeah, I know about the pregnancy situation and all, but bottom line is she’s making her _have sex_ with that perv. And I wanna get rid off the asshole like the next person, alright? Hell, ripping out his balls, I’m in. Smashing his creepy fucking face, fucking sign me up. But not _this_ , y’know. _This_ is fucked up, even for Red’s standards."

Lorna studied her face and, to her horror, Nicky could see the realization settle in. She looked away.

"Something happened to you, too."

Nicky let out a mirthless chuckle. "That’s a hell of a conclusion to jump to," she said, still not meeting Lorna’s eye. "Is it so hard to believe that I just have morals?"

"No, but… But after what I’ve just told you, do you really think you couldn’t tell me?"

Nicky sighed, sitting down again. She didn’t want to discuss it with Lorna. She didn’t talk about it on principle. Not after she’d told Marka all those years ago, and the woman had just brushed it off, telling her to stop making up lunatic stories and discrediting an upright man just for attention. It was a memory she’d spent the rest of her life trying to forget, doing all she could, no matter how self-destructive, in order to pretend it had never happened. Not even Red knew about it.

But then again, Lorna _had_ opened up to her. And maybe, once the truth was out, _maybe_ she’d be deterred enough to finally stop pestering her about it.

"Alright," Nicky said when the other woman had settled down beside her and cast the brunette a challenging glare. "You wanna know what happened?"

"Yes, I do," Lorna responded, equally determined.

"Fucking handsy uncle Pete when I was a kid, that’s what happened. Happy now?"

Lorna’s eyes widened with horror. "Oh, Nicky…"

And there it was. The one thing that might have been even worse than being dismissed. She could practically see the pity take form on Lorna’s face. The girl she wanted to impress now had no choice but to see her as weak. As a victim. As someone who couldn’t even protect herself, let alone somebody else.

Or hadn’t she?

"You’re upset because it _almost_ happened to _me_ , but you don’t allow me to be upset because it _did_ happen to _you_?" Lorna said, and there was a warmth in her voice that, if the walls around her had been less high and less sturdy, would’ve made Nicky fall into her arms. "You deserve to be taken care of, too, y’know?"

Nicky swallowed. She found that she would’ve been physically unable to give a response, even if she’d had the words.

"You wanna talk about it?" asked Lorna.

Nicky shook her head. "Hell, no," she forced herself to say. "Really not."

Lorna might mean well, but she had absolutely no desire to let her mind go _there_. Whenever it had happened in the past, it had ended with her getting a fix, all to keep herself from spiraling further, ironically. Even touching upon it right now made her itch for some sweet, sweet distraction.

Lorna gave a nod. "But if you ever want to, I’m here, okay?" she said, taking Nicky’s hand into hers. "You don’t have to deal with this by yourself."

Nicky just sat there for a moment, letting it all sink in.

"Yeah, you, too," she replied, giving Lorna’s hand a gentle squeeze.


	27. Burglar

It was funny how, sometimes, things just don’t work out as planned. What was meant to be a night of peaceful sleep had turned into cuddling which had then rapidly escalated into a heated make-out session. Nicky wasn’t complaining. Spontaneous sex was the best sex and there was just something about doing it in the dark that had nothing to do with being prudish. On the contrary. Every touch, every kiss, every use of teeth or tongue came as a surprise and, right now, Lorna was surprising her by snaking her mischievous hand beyond the elastic of her panties, slowly, excruciatingly, and it made Nicky’s heart race with anticipation. She couldn’t wait to have Lorna’s fingers inside her.

Those nimble fingers went down, further and further _down_. Just a little more and they’d finally reach their destination. Nicky held her breath…

_THUD!_

The sudden sound of something falling to the ground made both women jolt apart.

“What the fuck?” Nicky grumbled, more annoyed than anything.

“Nicky…”

Nicky couldn’t see much of Lorna’s face, but the way she was whispering her name, positively terrified, was enough to make her realize that the problem at hand was more serious than ending up with blue balls.

“I’ll go check,” she whispered. She’d swung her legs out of bed when she felt Lorna grabbing her shoulder.

“No, don’t go!” the brunette whispered urgently.

“I gotta make sure that Carmine’s safe,” Nicky explained.

“Then let me come with you!”

“ _No!_ ” Nicky hissed. There was no fucking way that she’d let Lorna join her into what could well be a dangerous situation. “You stay in here. Hide. Stay quiet. I’m back in a mo’. Promise.”

And before Lorna had the chance to protest, she got to her feet, feeling that she had to go _now_ , or else she would no longer have the heart to leave Lorna behind. The situation already reminded her badly enough of a very specific utility closet as it was, including the possibility that there could be yet another lunatic with a shiv waiting for her on the other side of the door.

Feeling around under the bed, she took hold of the baseball bat they kept hidden there and padded out of the room.

Her heart was pounding in her throat as she slowly, carefully, crept down the hallway. Every creak and every whirr of their appliances seemed to be amplified tenfold and the bat felt slippery in her moist hands. She couldn’t help but wonder what a burglar would be doing if they’d heard her now. Would they attack her, or would they hide, terrified, until the coast was clear? Or maybe both, ambushing her just when she was assuming that everything was fine and had dropped her guard, unprepared for a fight?

And where would they hide? What places were accessible quickly and silently enough? Maybe behind a door, she wondered, trembling, as she passed by the kitchen. It seemed kind of daft, but it was exactly what _she_ had done, years ago, when she and that dumb fuck Jason had broken into Monica’s house.

But even a stupid burglar could be fucking unpredictable. Back then, Jason had said that if Monica unexpectedly showed up and put up a fight, he’d just prick her with a needle, and that would buy them enough time to escape. Nicky had just shrugged it off. If something happened, they’d just wing it. They’d been young and invincible and riding a mighty high. Never mind the fact that she'd just recovered from open-heart surgery.

In the present day, she shuddered to think that some sick fuck could be doing just that to Lorna right now. But back then, it had been her. _She_ had done that. _She_ had made Monica go through that shit.

She was still of the opinion that if you absolutely _had_ to rob somebody, you better chose someone like Monica, someone who was obscenely rich and probably wouldn’t even notice the loss of something worth a few grand. Better her than someone who was already struggling, right? But even she didn’t deserve the psychological trauma and to no longer feel safe in her own fucking home, potentially ever.

 _She_ had done that.

And then, there was another clang, clearly coming from the kitchen. And before Nicky realized what she was doing, she’d whirled around and stumbled back those few steps. Heart hammering wildly, she stared into the room. She couldn’t make out the silhouette of a person, but…

She turned on the light.

And then, she let out a laugh.

“Lorna!” she exclaimed. “It’s okay! C’mere!”

Within a blink of an eye, Lorna was by her side, looking frenzied.

“What… what’s happening, babe?” she asked breathlessly.

“Look!”

There was a white-and-brown cat, sitting in the sink and staring at the couple with wide blue eyes as if to say, _‘Oh, shoot!’_

As expected, Lorna’s worried expression instantly made way for a wide beam.

“Oh my God, so cute!”

“Wonder how it got here,” Nicky thought aloud. “Maybe we left the balcony door open or something.”

Dropping the baseball bat, she turned and walked into the living room and, _yes_. Shaking her head at herself, she shut the door in question. When she was back in the kitchen, Lorna was sitting on the floor, cat in her lap, and stroking the fur of the intruding animal.

“Can we keep him?” she asked with the air of a little girl who was being followed by a stray dog.

“What?” Nicky laughed. “No fucking way! We’re gonna start looking for his owners first thing tomorrow.”

“But until then, he stays with us,” Lorna smiled, starting to scratch the cat behind his ears.

Nicky sighed defeatedly as she started to search the cupboards for a can of tuna. Looks like it was a different pussy that would get Lorna’s attention tonight.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @junkienicky: Great shoutout to you!
> 
> @NanasTeaParty: Where could this possibly go, I wonder, haha.


	28. Stinky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, these chapters including Carmine will be fucking painful to read if it turns out that he doesn’t survive. Alas, I guess I like to stay in denial and assume that they live as a whole, happy family as long as I still can. Plus, I really wanted to do another chapter involving Lulu.
> 
> Big shoutout to junkienicky for giving me this idea!

Lulu the Guinea Pig was surely living an enviable life, Nicky found, as the rodent safely hung out in his cave made up of a little overturned cardboard box and watched his owners-slash-servants deal with his messes in the most literal way. And as though this wasn’t yet decadence enough, Carmine was diligently watching over the critter, occasionally handing him pieces of hay to nibble on, and shielding him from Rascal who was eyeing him with interest.

_(Rascal, the foundling cat and newest member of their family, had been named by Nicky, after his tendency to get into places where he wasn’t supposed to be, when it had become clear that no-one was going to pick him up and Lorna had enthusiastically, yet predictably, voiced the idea of naming him after one of her beloved West Side Story characters.  
_

_"No, Lorna," Nicky had said. "We’re not fucking calling him Tony! ‘Sides, you already named Carmine, and Carmine named the critter, so it’s my turn now.")_

Nicky tried to not let show how much she adored both animals and how much she enjoyed playing with them and helping Carmine teach them little tricks. It was like that with a number of things that she had now but had been deprived of as a child, and a lifetime of telling herself that she didn’t need them anyway. Disregarding the fact that Nicky had had her own apartment growing up, Marka had never allowed her to have a pet. The woman had probably assumed that animals were so innately filthy that their mere presence would automatically and irrevocably besmirch all the expensive clothes and exclusive furniture. Looking back, Nicky grudgingly admitted that, while she was far from sharing it, she understood the mindset a little better. She didn’t even try to make a secret of how much she detested cleaning up after Lulu and Rascal, which involved way more work and overcoming than she could have imagined. Which was saying something considering the time she’d spent working in Custodial and changing diapers.

"Oh, Jesus!" she groaned, scrunching up her face, as she was scooping old bedding into a bag that Lorna was holding open for her. "This is revolting!" 

Lorna let out a chuckle. 

"Aw, don’t be so squeamish, honey! It’s just nature!" 

"This fucking ain’t nature," Nicky started, and then rolled her eyes after catching Lorna’s stern look. "Yeah, yeah," she sighed, "that’s one for the swear jar, alright. But, real talk, this is _not_ natural. More like C-Block leaving their nice surprise in the dryers." She shook her head to rid herself of this unwanted memory. "How the f- _heck_ can such a small critter make such ginormous turds?" 

She turned an eye at Lulu who was munching on a blade of hay, looking entirely unfazed. 

"Yeah, I’m looking at you, Mr. Take-a-dump-right-next-to-my-feeding-dish-and-then-have-lunch-right-after," Nicky admonished the rodent. "And just so you know, if it had been up to _me_ , I wouldn’t have named you _Lulu_ , I would have named you _Little Stinky_." 

Upon this, Lulu turned around and pointed his furry little butt at Nicky. 

"Did you fu-" the blonde exclaimed, turning her head to Lorna so abruptly that she cricked her neck. " _Did you just see that?_ " she started a new attempt at voicing her indignation while carefully moving her head from side to side to lessen the pain. "The frigging audacity!" 

Infuriatingly, Lorna was still giggling. Nicky couldn’t blame her. She sounded fucking ridiculous when she had to nerf her speech like that. 

"Aww, you just hurt his feelings!" 

"Hurt his feelings, my ass," Nicky grumbled. "I swear, that little ball of fur is doing that just to spite me! Tell me, why did I agree to let this critter in my house again? 

"Because you love me," said Lorna and then leant over to give Nicky a kiss on the cheek. 

"Hm, yeah. That’s right," Nicky replied, smiling. Who would have thought that this love would eventually lead her to this, shoveling shit out of a rodent cage? 

"And you love Carmine." 

"Sure do." 

Lorna beamed at her. "And, admit it, deep down, you love Lulu, too." 

The guinea pig had retreated to the far back of his box, causing Rascal to mew mournfully. Ever so empathetic, Carmine turned around and hugged the cat. Nicky used her free hand to signal for her son to loosen his hold on the squished-looking feline, then lowered her head and peered into Lulu’s box. 

" _Welllll_ , I’d say it’s more of a mutual tolerance, right, Stinky?" 

It gave her a feeling of satisfaction when Lulu stuck his nose out of the box and looked up at her, as though he was listening to this new nickname of his. 

"Aww, he loves you, too," cooed Lorna. 

"Nah," Nicky said but couldn’t hold back a smirk. "That little sycophant just knows how to kiss ass." 

When Nicky eventually put the guinea pig back into his cage, she ran a hand along his fluffy back and gave him a treat before she told him, quietly, so that only he could hear, 

"You’re just like Lorna, you know? A right pain in the you-know-where sometimes, but too _fucking_ cute for words. And now that I stroked your ego, that stays between me and you, alright? Behave!"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Naming kitty was hard. Names I considered included Finn, Chips, Fish, Pancake, Sandwich, Rumpus, Ruckus and (well, not seriously, but lol) Riot Pussy. So, here’s another shoutout to junkienicky for helping me decide.


	29. Family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to junkienicky who gave me the idea for this.

As Lorna was lounging in the TV room, she was trying (and pathetically failing) to follow the feature on the stock market that was currently on. It was mind-numbingly boring, but since she wasn’t on work duty and, without Chapman, their little newspaper group couldn’t be assed to schedule a meeting, she didn’t have anything better to do.

It was weird to think that Chapman was really out there on furlough. Just mere days ago, she, Lorna, would’ve given anything to be in her place, able to actually experience the freedom that she only had tiny tastes of from inside her van. But the painful realization that Christopher was truly getting married had completely stripped the idea of all its appeal. For once, it felt almost comforting to Lorna to be in prison where she was surrounded by people whose company she enjoyed and who, unlike Christopher, couldn’t abandon her just like that.

As on cue, Nicky appeared in the doorway. Lorna beamed at her, welcoming the distraction. Having overcome that awkward phase after ending whatever it was that they’d been having, things were finally starting to become more normal between them, and it felt nice.

Nicky gestured for Lorna to come over, and the brunette got to her feet and walked out of the room.

"I’ve got to pass on a message from Red," the blonde announced. "She wants the family to gather up, tomorrow at dinnertime, in the greenhouse."

"What does she want?" Lorna asked, dreading another of Red’s crazy revenge schemes. There hadn’t been one of those in what, come to think of it, had been a suspiciously long time. Which could only mean that something big was brewing.

"Fuck knows," Nicky replied with a shrug. "If I wasn’t a hundred percent sure that she ain’t got dibs on the kitchen no more, I’d hazard a guess that she’s gonna cook something. Literally. She was walking around with a whole fucking basket full of spices just now."

Lorna shook her head in disbelief. "Does she really not see that she don’t have to do that and that she should rather-"

"Apologize. Yeah, I told her that. But it’s that damn stubborn Russian pride that stands in her way. I mean, we’re talking ‘bout the woman that starved out Blondie just because she said she didn’t like her food, remember?"

"Sometimes I really wonder why you keep putting up with that," Lorna sighed. "Even if she does apologize, in a matter of days, she’ll be back to pushing us around like nothing’s ever happened."

"We don’t know that yet," said Nicky. "And it doesn’t hurt to give her a chance, right? It’s not like she’s gonna kill all of us with poisoned soup or some shit."

"From your lips to God’s ears," Lorna said warily, feeling like she couldn’t be too sure now that Red had found herself another group to hang out with. "She really means a lot to you, huh?"

"Sure does," Nicky affirmed. "I fucking owe her everything. She’s saved my life, right, and she’s been more of a mother to me in three years than Marka’s been, ever."

Lorna couldn’t help but smile. Nicky was such a mama’s girl and it was beyond adorable.

"Marka’s stupid for not appreciating what a good daughter you are," the brunette said.

Nicky scoffed at that. "I’m far from being _a good daughter_. Trust me."

Lorna kept quiet for the sake of maintaining the precious peace between them, but she had to disagree. The mere fact that Nicky longed so badly for her family to be whole again spoke volumes. It made Lorna think back to her own past and that dreadful time when she and her siblings had been placed into a foster home after their parents’ accident, and the fear of being split up and put into an orphanage all by herself. Somehow, Franny had managed to have the whole family reunited, even though she’d just been a teenager herself. Ever since then, Franny had raised Mikey and her. It was remarkable how the hardship had welded them together and had made them put aside their sibling rivalry and all that other petty shit between them.

Still, she would’ve given anything to have back her old Mamma and Papà and just her overall life as she’d known it.

"Do you want me to help spread the message?" she asked.

Nicky showed her a lopsided grin.

"Sure, if a box of Little Debbies is pay enough for you."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel that the return of Pornstache would've been something they'd be discussing, but I was too lazy to put that in here. Imagine that that talk happened after this, lol.


	30. Hair

It was under the steady drone of morose grumbling that the inmates were dressing out of their borrowed musty dress clothes and back into their usual musty uniforms. The only persons in the room who were in high spirits were that Latina wannabe goth girl that was gloating as if she’d won the fucking lottery and that pedantic-as-fuck job fair bitch that was dishing out unsolicited advice that no-one had ever asked for. 

The sullen atmosphere suited Nicky just fine as it allowed her to blend in perfectly while she was indulging in a sweet moment of self-loathing. But then, she was ungently pulled out of her trance when Job Fair Bitch raised her voice, and it was like nails on a chalkboard. 

"Okay, ladies, please put your outfits away nice and neatly!" 

Her jaw set, Nicky blew a lungful of air out of her nostrils before she threw her tangled costume onto a hanger in what had to be the least _‘nice and neat’_ manner possible, and haphazardly forced the thing onto the nearest rack. One last disgusted look into the mirror and she marched into the hallway as fast as she could without breaking into a run. 

She’d almost expected it to happen, and _bingo_. Just seconds later, she heard quick footsteps behind her, and there she was, Lorna, in all her breathless glory, actually running and dressed into her uniform so hastily that she was wearing her top back to front and with one arm still stuck inside. But Nicky felt too miserable to appreciate the cuteness. 

"Honey, what’s the matter with you?" Lorna asked, coming to a stop. She sounded worried and Nicky instantly felt undeserving of the girl’s attention. Another item on the _‘Reasons Why I Suck’_ list. _Perfect._

"Nothing," she lied. 

"And I’m supposed to believe that?" Lorna responded, looking up at Nicky while she was adjusting her top. "When you’re looking all sulky and frowny?" 

She furrowed her brow and pouted her lips to mimic Nicky’s expression. Feeling unnerved and wishing that she could _finally_ just hate herself in peace, Nicky ran a hand through her hair. She instantly realized that it was a mistake when Lorna let out a gasp. 

"Oh my God, it’s because of what that woman said about your hair, isn’t it?" 

Nicky stalled. The job fair hadn’t meant anything to her than just a break from all the dreary, never-ending monotony in this godforsaken hellhole, so it was ridiculous that she was getting so worked up over this sort of petty shit. The thing was, Job Fair Bitch’s remark had sent her on a very unwanted trip down Memory Lane. 

"I understand so well," Lorna went on, voice heavy with empathy. "That woman was really mean. The way she was talking about my outfit-" 

"Well, that _was_ inappropriate as fuck, I give her that," Nicky couldn’t help but saying. "Where’d you think you’d apply wearing that?" 

_‘Aside from my bed, possibly,’_ Nicky thought to herself. As childish as Lorna’s sailor dress was, it had looked fucking hot on her, so much so that it had set off a regular avalanche of fantasies to cascade in Nicky’s mind, one kinkier than the other. 

"There’s no need to be so nasty," Lorna shot back. "I’m on _your_ side, in case you haven’t noticed." 

Ah, shit, she could just as well. 

"Stupid cunt reminded me of the hell demon that popped me out. Or _had me cut out_ more like. Don’t think she would’ve allowed for her pussy to be ruined like that. Probably just put it in between manicure appointments, too." 

She cleared her throat, then continued, "Well, anyway, bitch loved nothing more than complaining ‘bout my hair, see? My earliest memories involved her chasing me with straighteners and going-" She took on the tone and voice of her birth giver. "- _’I won’t be seen next to somebody who even lacks the basic self-respect for running a brush through her hair every once in a while, young lady’_. Like I’d’ve fucking wanted her to." 

She snorted at the mere idea. "You’ve never met Marka but lemme tell you that Job Fair Cunt looks just like her. If I didn’t know she was too disgusted to set foot in a _prison_ , I would’ve thought she was paying me a visit. So that was nice." 

"Yeah, she’s such a cunt," Lorna, faithful as always, responded with a nod. "And she’s got no taste. Your wild hair is beautiful. And so soft and fluffy." 

Nicky felt a blush creep up her cheeks. She quickly put on a smirk. 

"Yeah, I seem to remember you had a penchant for pulling at it when we were fucking." 

"Jesus, Nichols…" 

"What?" Nicky grinned. "If you like it so much, then here’s an offer to have at it, right there, for the old times’ sake. Ready when you are." 

Lorna rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Shut up and come here." 

The brunette sat down on the nearest set of stairs and Nicky settled down beside her. To her surprise, Lorna then reached over and guided her head down to her chest. It was Nicky’s impulse to pull away, freaked out by the unexpected display of affection, but the shorter woman firmly kept her in place and then, ever so gently, raked her fingers through her unruly locks. Her touch caused goosebumps to erupt all the way down Nicky’s spine. And while she felt rather conscious of the fact that Lorna’s attention was now so focused on an aspect of hers that had been mercilessly criticized in front of virtually the entire prison, she had to admit that it felt nice. 

Marka and Job Fair Bitch could suck a dick, Nicky decided as she surrendered herself to Lorna’s caress. Whatever they had to say about her hair meant nothing when it was appreciated by the one that mattered.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And yet another shoutout goes to junkienicky!


	31. Snow

Just on the brink of waking up, Nicky rolled onto her side, eyes still closed and reaching out to wrap an arm around her wife. It was a sinking feeling that woke her up completely when, instead of a warm body, her arm stretched across nothing.

She opened her eyes to the sight of a pillow that was woefully unoccupied except for a note that Lorna must have left there.

_"In the backyard with Kitten. You looked so cute, I didn't want to wake you up. I love you."_

It had started to snow last night and when Nicky turned her gaze towards the window, she noted that the branches of the surrounding trees were all carrying a layer of white. She got up, walked over to the window and looked into the backyard which was fully blanketed in thick, fresh snow that was gleaming in the reflected morning light. Her heart swelled with adoration when she saw Lorna and Carmine out there, bundled up against the cold and rolling the substance into great balls in what seemed to be preparation of building a snowman.

It was only with a slight feeling of regret that the blonde tore away to undergo her morning routine. Having a kid meant that she had a second chance at living the childhood that she'd never had, and lightheartedly playing in the snow was one aspect of it. It was something that she enjoyed almost more than lying in. As much as she appreciated that Lorna had let her sleep, she wished that the girl had woken her up. Kit was growing up so fast. It felt like yesterday that she'd tried to listen to him inside Lorna's belly by means of a flimsy prison-issue plastic cup, and now he already was an almost-six-year-old that was way too much into Captain America and Jackie Chan ( _thank you, Vince!_ ) and thought that girls had cooties.

So, she didn't waste any time. As soon as she'd donned her jacket, she made her way out into the yard, where her wife and son were just applying the finishing touches to their snowman. Lorna was standing with her back towards her, and the blonde was suddenly stricken by a bout of mischief. She crouched down and scooped up a handful of snow, gesturing at Carmine to stay silent by pressing her index finger to her lips when his gaze fell upon her. The boy responded with a grin and she proceeded to approach the pair on tiptoes.

"Hey, Lorna!" she eventually called out to her wife.

Lorna turned around and that's when Nicky threw the snowball. It hit the brunette square in the forehead and Nicky ran for it, cackling. Lorna's furious shouts were cutting the air as she started to chase Nicky around the yard.

"Oh my God, Nichols, you're gonna pay for this!"

It only took a few moments for Lorna to catch up and tackle the blonde into the powdery snow. They fell over in a messy heap, and while Nicky, who had ended up flat on her back, was recovering, panting, Lorna sat up and straddled her hips.

As terrifying as an angry Lorna could be, it just as often was insanely hot. And now that all that fierce passion was focused directly on her, Nicky couldn't help but stare in awe up at the girl towering above her whose cheeks were flushed and whose eyes were glistening - until Lorna reached down and flattened a handful of snow right in Nicky's face.

Nicky coughed and gasped and shook her head to free herself of the icy substance. "Shit, I guess I deserved that," she said with a laugh and then looked back up at Lorna. An incredibly smug smirk stretched across the girl's face and it was such a turn-on that Nicky couldn't resist the urge to pull her down to herself.

As Nicky wrapped her arms around the other woman, Lorna used her gloved hands to gently brush away the remaining snow on Nicky's cheeks before their lips met for a deep kiss. Being engulfed in Lorna's warmth made Nicky almost forget that she was lying in the cold, wet snow that was seeping into her hair, and she lost herself in the moment. It was the high-pitched voice of a child that forced her to snap back into her surroundings.

"Eww!" Carmine cried out from a distance, looking at them with a look of utter disgust.

Nicky chuckled. "You hear that? Our kid thinks we're repulsive."

"Let him," Lorna responded breathlessly and kissed her again.

"No can do," said Nicky once they'd pulled apart. "Can't lose face in front of the tyke. So, I'm afraid one of us needs to take one, y'know, for the team."

Lorna furrowed her brow in confusion. "What do you-" 

She didn't get to finish her question as her speech turned into a shrill shriek and she rolled off of Nicky when the blonde shoved a handful of snow into the collar of her jacket. Nicky took her chance to break free and bolt.

"Oh, just you wait, Nichols, just you wait!" Lorna growled as she scrambled to her feet.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @NanasTeaParty: I swear I started this before you posted your chapter. This is fucking scary, lol.


	32. Wedding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I went a little overboard with this compared to other chapters, but eh.

It didn't happen every day that Nicky needed Lorna's help, so the brunette was all the more intrigued when Nicky asked for just that even before it was time for them to report for their work duty.

"Well, this should be right up your alley," the blonde explained in a hushed voice. "There's gonna be - now brace yourself - _a wedding_."

Lorna let out a squeal that she quickly stifled with her hand when she realized that they were walking past a very tired-looking McCullough.

"A wedding? Oh, my goodness, I'm so glad you asked me! Vinnie and I, we had the best wedding in the world. Well, as far as prison weddings go," she added reasonably, seeing that the circumstances had forced her to pass on the white doves and the horse-drawn carriage and, of course, her perfect dress. "But still. With my experience, we're gonna make this _so good_!"

But then, a thought crossed her mind. "But it's not gonna interfere with the kickball, don't it? You know it's not gonna work without me."

"Don't worry, doll, we should be done just in time," Nicky assured her. "What a perfect day, right? A wedding _and_ some murdering!"

"Yeah." Lorna nodded blissfully. "All new beginnings. A new chapter in the life of the happy couple and the start of a peaceful life for us without that evil Carol's terror regime. Who are we doing this for again?"

"Chapman. And Vause," Nicky said, and this time, Lorna couldn't contain her squeal. She hadn't heard of those two in forever, and the fact that they were getting married had to mean that they were alright and had finally gotten their shit together. It was so beautiful.

"So, what's there for us to do?" she asked with determination.

"Well, we need to prep the room. Lucky for us, Luschek's got our back. Two-faced fuckwit owed me that one."

Lorna made a face. She didn't trust the guard after what, according to Chapman, he'd done to Nicky, and she wasn't sure if Nicky wasn't being too trusting. At least she knew for a fact that she, Lorna, wouldn't be able to get over such a betrayal, ever. But Nicky sounded assured and the bastard wasn't worth getting upset and putting her Kitten into danger because of him. She directed her thoughts back to the wedding.

"And do you have, let's see… something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue for the bride to wear?" she asked, counting the items with her fingers. "Or _brides_? I'm confused," she added as an afterthought, scratching her chin. "Anyway, that's what, sadly, a lotta people forget about."

"Something _what_?"

Having completely expected this, Lorna smiled longanimously. "Oh, don't worry, hon," she said, patting Nicky on the shoulder. "I think I've got that covered. But we also need somebody to perform the ceremony, to make it official and all, you see."

"Well, that'd be me."

"Huh?"

"I got myself ordained last night. Finally, those rogue phones have been good for something."

Now, _that_ was something Lorna _hadn't_ expected, and she couldn't help but look up at Nicky in wonder. She had always assumed that the blonde considered romantic things like weddings stupid, and anything remotely pertaining to religion even more so. The idea that Nicky had been studying that stuff for a _wedding_ of all things was unimaginable, and Lorna found herself impressed by the lengths at which the woman was willing to go for the people she was devoted to. She kept surprising her day after day.

"What about rings?" the brunette asked the moment she realized that she was staring, forcing her expression into something that she hoped was neutral enough.

Now Nicky looked somewhat crestfallen and it was strangely endearing.

"Look," she said. "I have no idea what kind of witchcraft you worked to be able to not only smuggle _your_ ring in, but to also prance around wearing it 24/7 without consequence, but the reality is that everything in this place is contraband. I couldn't even keep my fucking AA chip, remember? As if anyone's ever been slain with a tiny round piece of plastic."

"Well, then we just have to improvise," Lorna said. A wedding without rings wasn't a proper wedding, as far as she was concerned, and she refused to accept that something as mundane as prison protocol could ruin the event like that. "C'mon!"

And so they started to comb the prison in search of something that could be turned into a wedding band.

Lorna was glad for this task as it allowed her to process the onslaught of information that had hit her in those past few minutes. She was so looking forward to seeing Chapman and Vause again, especially under such exciting circumstances, and the mental image of their happy faces spurred her on in her search. But then, there were these very confusing changes in Nicky. _'When the fuck did this happen?'_ Lorna wondered as she watched the other girl crawl underneath a table in hopes that somebody had dropped something on the floor. Or had she always been like that and she just hadn't noticed?

Unfortunately, by the time the blonde noted that they needed to move on, all they'd found was a measly paperclip in a library book.

"You got something we can use as a ring, Luschek?" Nicky therefore asked the guard once they'd retreated to the sorry excuse for a chapel in which the ceremony was to take place.

Lorna pretended to be inspecting the props, but in reality, she was warily following the conversation from a distance, inwardly screaming at Luschek to stay the fuck away from Nicky. A feeling of disgust washed over her when the slobby fuck groaned as though he was performing some tremendously straining physical labor as he heaved his feet off the table at which he was sitting and pulled a keychain out of the pocket of his trousers.

"Look, Nichols," he said as he fumbled to remove a key ring. "I think we need to talk."

"We've got nothing to talk about," Nicky said firmly and Lorna inly cheered her on.

"But-"

" _Nothing._ "

Noticing the distress in Nicky's voice, Lorna beckoned the blonde to the box that she was rummaging in.

"If you're the pastor, you should dress the part," the brunette said once Nicky was by her side, trying to sound extra sunny as she fished a cardboard cross out of the box and held it up for the other girl to see.

"Nah," Nicky said, pushing Lorna's hand away. "I'd rather like to think of myself as a denominationally independent sort of MC."

"No, that ain't right," Lorna insisted. "Aren't you Jewish? Then I think you should at least be wearing this."

She pulled the cap and shawl out of a second box and put them on Nicky who, despite her protest, sweetly let it happen in a manner that reminded her of a life-sized dress-up doll or a young child. Lorna took a step back, then looked over the other woman.

"Now you're perfect," she said with a smile.

The feeling only intensified as they were performing the ceremony and Lorna's pride of Nicky seemed to rise to unknown heights. It was lovely, and somehow, the woman managed to make this wedding so much more vibrant than hers had been. Lorna couldn't believe that Nicky was really winging it, but there was no way that she'd planned her speech. Between her ordination and the other preparations, she couldn't possibly have had enough time for that.

But did that mean that she'd spent time imagining weddings even before she'd heard of Vause's plan? But why would she? Unless… unless she'd imagined _her own wedding_ , maybe? Was it possible that Nicky Nichols, who was constantly sharing all those untraditional, feminist, independent woman sort of views, saw a wedding in her future? It seemed absurd, but now that she'd formulated the thought, Lorna could no longer shake the idea of Nicky standing there in Vause's stead, vowing eternal faithfulness to some nameless, faceless woman. She couldn't quite put her finger on it, but somehow, the thought made Lorna feel all funny inside. Whoever that woman was, she thought with fierceness, she'd better be good to her Nicky.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nicky marrying Vauseman and trying to make a baby for Blanca, giving other people the things she wants for herself.
> 
> Chances are that Lorna really is way too enraptured by the wedding to take notice of what Nicky is doing, but I can dream, can't I? Ahaha. Who tf am I kidding?
> 
> @NanasTeaParty: If there's any significant overlap with this one, too, I'm gonna call an exorcist, lmao.


	33. Wife

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another shoutout to junkienicky!

Impatiently biting her lip, Nicky waited near the door of the chapel that she'd just let Lorna out of after their most recent romp. In her head, she was counting, and when she'd reached 100, she figured that it was safe for her to leave as well.

It was a ritual that she performed after every fuck, and she saw it as a matter of courtesy. She may be whoring around, but, hell, at least she was a whore with decency. After all, unlike so many other dykes in this place, she had enough sense to understand that while some women appreciated a good bean flick, they sure as fuck didn't appreciate it when rumors about them went round because they'd been seen with her as they'd emerged from a suspicious place. With big dick comes big responsibility. Or something like that.

But for some reason that the blonde couldn't quite put her finger on, there was more to it than just preserving her integrity when it came to Lorna. She felt an odd protectiveness towards the other girl, even though they'd done the deed only a few times now. Come to think about it, this was strange in itself, considering that Nicky usually wouldn't seek out a girl more than once, or even do the seeking in the first place. But somehow, they'd come to the silent agreement that they'd turn to each other whenever they needed it, and that worked just fine for Nicky.

The moment she opened the door, however, she instantly regretted it as Boo was standing right in her way and the older woman was harassing some girl - who turned out to be none other than Lorna.

_Shit._

"Praying, my ass," Boo said with a scoff. "You may be able to sell that shit to your grandma, Morello, but _I'm_ not retarded."

Nicky didn't get to recover from feeling like a deer in the headlights. Boo must've seen her from the corner of her eye, and, of course, the woman promptly turned her head towards the blonde.

"Ohh, I fucking knew it!" the older inmate gloated and her face lit up as though she was a young child receiving Christmas presents. "So, you had Nichols praise your pussy, huh? What a faithful little bride you are, swapping that fiancé of yours for a prison wife."

Nicky could practically feel the discomfort caused by this topic radiate from Lorna's body. "What, you're stalking us, Boo?" she asked in an attempt to draw the attention of the older woman away from the girl. "You know that's really fucking creepy, right?"

Lorna blushed. Nicky couldn't blame her. Her insides burned nastily at the realization that it had been the association with her that had given Boo ammunition against Lorna. She should've been more careful.

Boo let out a snort. "Son, I don't need to stalk you 'cause I could hear the moans of this poor man's Betty Boop from the other end of the fucking hallway."

"So desperate you're hearing voices already?" asked Nicky. "Lemme guess, it's like phantom pain, right, just that instead of feeling pain, you hear moans, and instead of missing a limb, you're missing the ability to get your wifey off."

"Unlike you, right, Nichols?" Boo replied slyly. "I didn't fail to notice that you _keep doing it_ with squirt over here. Never thought I'd see the day when _you're_ wifing up. But as someone who has walked that path, let me tell you there's no shame in putting yourself out to pasture and settling into a healthy monogamous lifestyle. We should consider double dates."

And with that, Boo marched off, chuckling to herself.

"I'm not _wifing up_ ," Lorna seethed once the older woman was out of earshot. "What's that even supposed to mean? Something like a _prison bitch_? Is _that_ how it goes here? Is _that_ how you see me?"

The tone of hurt mixed in with all the indignation didn't escape Nicky.

"You didn't just compare me to lezzy Jabba the Hutt, did you?" the blonde said, scrunching up her face with disgust. "Look, I don't expect anything, alright? We can end this here-" She nodded towards the chapel. "-whenever you want. Boo just has that creepy habit of bullying girls into becoming-" She air-quoted. "- _'Mrs. Boo'_ 'cause it feeds her machismo. But that doesn't mean that we all stoop to that level of pathetic. Just don't listen to her, alright? She's just cranky 'cause she's got Lesbian Bed Death - which, by the way, really is a thing."

Lorna looked shocked now. "Oh my God, she's dying?"

Nicky had to bite back a laugh. "Nah. It just means she needs to get laid." The mental image sent a shudder down her spine. Gratefully, Lorna's unusually grave voice stopped that train of thought.

"Just to be clear, I'm not…"

"A lesbian. I know."

"I _am_ becoming Christopher's wife."

"Yeah, I got it, kid."

Lorna nodded and, shooting the blonde a last wary look, she made to get on her way, leaving behind a forlorn Nicky who couldn't help staring after the girl with a feeling of loss. She'd meant it when she said that Lorna was free to end this thing they had (after all, she was very much a no-strings-attached sort of person herself), but somehow, it hadn't felt right and she'd almost wished that Lorna had said she wouldn't.

The next moment, she asked herself what was wrong with her. She'd never pined like that for a girl she'd fucked before. Hell, most of the time, she wouldn't even bother to ask a girl for her name. It was just like that, a good anonymous fuck, then ditching the girl and moving on to the next. Rinse and repeat.

So what was different now? Was it that she'd talked to Lorna, actually _talked_ and gotten to know her, before the first time they'd gotten it on? Or that the girl was making an effort to stay in her life after the deed, like she, Nicky, actually mattered? Or was it the sex itself? It was certainly something else, Nicky reminisced with a lopsided smirk. It was more _fun_ , more _real_ , more _connected_ somehow-

What the fuck? _Connected?_ What kind of cheesy bullshit was that? Unless… Oh, no…

Was she getting _attached_? Fuck, this couldn't be happening. Nicky Nichols didn't get attached. She couldn't afford it. Especially not with a fucking Straight Girl.

Lesbian Rule Number One. No wonder that Boo was getting her jollies out of that.

Nicky sighed and trudged off, hoping against hope that a nice cold shower would fix this mess.

 


	34. Abandoned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I fucking struggled with this one, lol. I spent _weeks_ trying to get the original version of this (which had a different focus and a different ending) right, but never got to be happy with it. So, in the end, I completely scrapped that and wrote this one instead, within two hours or so. I like this better.

It was a paradox state that Lorna was in. Her body and mind were virtually unable to function from a lack of sleep, and yet, her heart and thoughts were racing, rendering her too agitated to get some much needed rest. Both seemed to cancel each other out, which was why she was now lying in her bunk, unseeingly staring up at the ceiling.

The darkness around her gradually dissipated and Lorna numbly registered that it was now one and a half days since she'd lost what, as she now realized, she'd foolishly taken for granted all that time. For one and a half days, she'd been free-falling because she was now without her safety net. Cold and shaking because the place where she could seek refuge when her own head was too scary to dwell in no longer existed. For one and a half days, she sun had been setting and rising as if everything was normal. As if the universe didn't care, didn't feel the pain she was in.

Other inmates were starting their day now, but Lorna didn't give a damn, until the voice of Boo next to her broke through the cacophony of voices and bustle.

"C'mon, Morello, you don't wanna give those ass clowns a reason to give you a shot," the older woman tried to push her on.

 _"Alright, who the fuck are you and what have you done to Boo? Cause we all know the real Boo doesn't give a shit about anyone who is_ not _Boo."_

Lorna imagined that Boo would retort that, of course, she gave shits, maybe bringing up concrete examples of when she had, only to have each and every one rebutted and dismantled. The thought of this sort of banter brought a tiny smile to Lorna's face. But in reality, Boo was already marching out of their cube because those words had never been spoken.

 _'But she's right,'_ Lorna thought to herself. _'Nicky wouldn't want you to get into trouble. C'mon, get to your feet.'_

In what felt like a strenuous effort, Lorna forced herself out of her bed and changed into her uniform. Her gaze fell onto the makeshift mirror on her wall. Her hair was a mess and she had large bags under her eyes, but she didn't bother to fix it. There was just no point when she'd already gone two days without a shower despite the laborious nature of her work duty and the summer heat that was posing a grotesque contrast to how she felt inside. She would have to take one soon, though, she realized, before she started to stink and her stench would overlay the smell of the hoodie that she'd salvaged from Nicky's cube. She picked it up and held it in her hands for a moment, thumbs gently stroking the worn garment, before she slung it around her shoulders. This was better. She now felt a little less alone.

She was one of the last to arrive in the cafeteria but she barely took notice of the women queuing up in front of her or walking past her as she was too busy trying to remain upright and not to break into a full-body shiver or barf, right here and now. Though, every once in a while, a girl did catch her eye.

_"Man, fuck, that's one fine piece of ass!"_

_"I mean, look at that. There's no tits!"_

_"C'mon, how was_ that one _a six in the fuck-off?"_

 _'Aw, don't be so crass, Nicky,'_ Lorna thought to herself, shaking her head inwardly. But before her imaginary version of Nicky could respond, she was given a tray. She picked it up and went to search for a place to sit.

_"Let's go over there. I can't deal with Vause and Chapman eye-fucking each other at this time of the day."_

She had barely settled down when Gina plopped down on the seat next to her. Again. This couldn't be a coincidence. The other woman hardly ever hung out with her and now she wouldn't leave her alone. Lorna suspected that Red had instructed her to keep an eye on her, as if crazy little Lorna was in need of a fucking babysitter.

_"Don't think about it, kid. She's done that to me, too, remember? Followed me around for a whole day like a shadow, only super obvious, even all the way to the shitter. Probably would've gotten in with me, too, if I hadn't presented her a nice mental image to go with that. Wish I could tell you why."_

Lorna tried to ignore Gina's unnerving lingering gaze and to focus instead on the waffle she'd picked up.

_"You've gotta eat, kid. It will be better with a full stomach, you'll see."_

_'Easy for you to say when you're not constantly feeling sick,'_ Lorna thought. _'I mean, you're not, are you? I hope you're okay. I wish you were here. Everything's just so wrong without you.'_

_"Man, don't fucking go emo on me, yeah? But, uh, if it helps, I would indeed feel better if you ate, 'cause, you know, you've got to be about the only person on this planet who can stuff a whole waffle into her mouth and still make it look hot."_

She almost laughed out before she started to take tiny nibbles of her waffle. She wasn't sure if it really helped or if it rather felt like rocks in her stomach. But then, it was time for her to go to work.

These days, she was glad to not be on van duty where she could've been alone with her thoughts for hours on end. In Custodial, on the other hand, she had Taystee and Suzanne (two of the few who weren't walking on eggshells around her, thank God) and their banter to distract her.

_"See, it ain't relevant to the plot that Dumbledore's gay, so why put it in the book? To make him the token gay character? It should be fucking possible these days for a guy to be gay without everyone pointing out his gayness, or else it's just another example of - uh, what's the word? - gay fishing."_

The work they were doing was exhausting and vile, but the physical labor allowed Lorna to release some of her pent-up energy. Her sadness, her anger at the injustice of it all, she could vent it by scrubbing extra hard at some spot or by swinging around trash bags.

_'Look how clean I'm making it, Nichols. And I'm getting really big and muscly, too. Feel…'_

But Nicky wasn't there to feel. And as Lorna was going on with her work, she felt just as abandoned as the hallway she was mopping, as though a part of her very soul had been ripped away from her. Had those walls always looked so gray?

But this was her new normal now. She longed so much to have back her old life, to turn back time and return to those simpler, happier days. But she knew that wasn't happening, and the thought brought a fresh gush of tears to her eyes.

_'I want you, Nicky. I need you. I wish I could see you, even if it's just once, even if it's just for one second. You make everything okay. I need to be in your arms, so much, and for you to tell me it's gonna be okay. Please. Please come back to me. Because nothing is okay. I can't do this without you.'_

_"Hey, of course you can, kid. You're stronger than you think. You've got this. Tell you what, you're just gonna take this day by shitty fucking day, and before you know it, you're out of this hellhole. Can you do that for me?"_

Lorna snuffled. _'Yeah. Yeah, I'll try to be strong. For you.'_

Lunchtime rolled along and Lorna squared her shoulders. Just a little longer, and she would've made it through the second day.


	35. High

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And again, a great shoutout goes to junkienicky!

Being young, left to her own devices and equipped with a bottomless pit of a credit card that gave her access to virtually any thing and any place had a surefire consequence: Nicky Nichols partied hard and never failed to find ways to party even harder.

It had started with copious amounts of obscenely expensive alcohol, then the occasional funny pill, and, soon enough, it was heroin straight to the vein. Add to this a rather misguided desire for _any_ sort of human connection, and things got even more exciting. Or so she assumed - because oftentimes, she couldn't even remember how she'd ended up in the fuck piles and beds of women and men alike that she woke up in. At least the latter weirded her out enough to consider questioning her life choices - she wasn't into dick, that she was sure of, but at the end of the day, a fuck was a fuck, so who the hell cares?

But the nights she _could_ remember were enough to convince her that she'd seen it all. Girls came in all colors, sizes and forms, and some were just into… _interesting_ shit to say the least. Some of that, Nicky could easily get into, others required a definite willingness to expand her horizon, a strong stomach and/or a safe word. But Nicky lapped it all up, eager to feel the excitement, the thrill, anything that could serve as a refuge from the burning cold of the dread and the emptiness that was relentlessly following her wherever she went, perennially threatening to consume her…

The shitty old tube TV made a zap when she turned it off before she threw a glance at the clock on the equally shitty DVD player. _01:00_. Fuck. But she just couldn't resist a good episode of _The Twilight Zone_.

She peeled herself off the couch, then went to the bathroom to undergo her night routine. When she stepped into the bedroom, now clad into a pair of panties and a wifebeater, the light of her night lamp illuminated the tiny frame of her girl that was buried in the blankets. But she didn't have long to enjoy the view, because just then, Lorna opened her eyes and turned her gaze to her.

"Finally!"

"Jesus, kid. You've stayed up all that time?"

Lorna rolled her eyes. "You know I can't sleep without you."

Nicky couldn't help but feel a little smug about this, but this line of thought got interrupted when Lorna grabbed her wrist and tugged.

"Now come here already, will you?"

"Alright, alright," the blonde chuckled as she settled down next to her girlfriend. "You know that patience is a virtue, right?"

"Yeah, and so is being on time," said Lorna, and with that, she poked a finger in Nicky's ribs. The ticklish sensation sent a rush through the taller woman's body and with a yelp, she squirmed away a little. Lorna reacted with a grin and a kiss to Nicky's cheek.

"Hate to break it to you," Nicky responded, smiling, "but it really isn't. Thank fuck."

"Hmm," Lorna just made as she draped the blanket over Nicky, and then the brunette inched closer to rest her head on the other woman's chest.

Nicky's heart raced as she was engulfed by the entrancing warmth of Lorna's body snuggling up to her. Just above the fast rhythm, she could feel the smile on the smaller woman's face widen, and with the tiniest sigh of contentment, Lorna was out like a light.

All her life, Nicky had tried to fill the void in her soul with the highs that drugs and wild sexual escapades provided. But as she gently raked her fingers through Lorna's soft hair, she found that just lying here peacefully and holding the love of her life in her arms was so much more fulfilling than any of that.

This was the best high.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Churning out the fluff as long as I can still hold on to that tiny sliver of hope, I guess.


End file.
